Finding a place to belong

By Selina Tran

Nearly all of us have felt left out at one point or another in our life. Finding a group of people where you belong isn't always easy, especially when it comes to making friends. People tend to want to find a place where they can fit in. But, what happens when they begin to feel excluded?

Exclusion can cause people to feel a lot of negative emotions. These emotions include anger, pain, jealousy, sadness, or resentment. It can also cause insecurity.

Throughout my life, I’ve always been surrounded by many friends. But, everything changed when high school started. My closest friend from middle school moved away early in the school year and had to change schools. Ever since she left, I started to notice our friend group falling apart.

It seemed like people were starting to have favorites and only talking amongst themselves. What was once a big group of people, turned into small, separate ones. I was good friends with everyone in middle school, but as time went on, I gradually found myself becoming more isolated from them.

I only had happy memories of my friends and I talking and laughing together in middle school, so I don’t know why things changed. I thought we would be friends for a long time. I wasn’t used to being alone. But, there I was standing by myself, as I watched the people who I once spent everyday with turn into people I used to know.

One reason why someone might feel left out is because they aren’t close to anyone in their friend group. They could prefer having a one-on-one conversation with one of their friends, in order to receive undivided attention.

In an article titled, “Being the background friend: what it feels like and how to overcome it” from Rewire by A.W. Geiger, the author states, “Most people who feel left out wish to have more friends, so they may feel pressure to fit in socially.”

“I tried to be more like them and enjoy the things they enjoyed so they would like me more,” my friend, Hailey Haase, 10th grader from Yerba Buena High School said.

Someone who feels excluded might pretend to be someone they’re not around their friends. Creating a new personality to impress others can be very exhausting. “I had to put up a front to make myself not look weird compared to them,” said Hailey.

When you’re feeling isolated from your friends or think you’re being ignored, you’ll start to have negative thoughts: “Thoughts like I wasn’t really wanted and that they were only friends with me because they pitied me,” Hailey said.

College student, Brandon Bollozos said, “In my mind, I’d think why am I being treated like this, and why am I even here? Do they really want me here?”

Brandom Bollozos was scared that his friends didn’t want to hang out with him anymore. He wanted to join in on the things they did, but they didn’t invite him. He was also never a part of their conversations. He said, “Even though I’m hanging out with them, there’s a disconnection between me and them.”

Another reason why someone might feel left out is because of group chats. Their friends would create a group chat without adding them, and if they are in one, their contribution to the conversation would be ignored.

What would one do when they’re being excluded? “I’d try to get their attention, like leaving the group to see if anyone notices. If we’re walking, I would walk behind a bit to see what happens,” Brandon said. However, there are better ways Brandon could’ve handled the situation.

There are a few ways to cope with feeling left out. According to “10 ways to cope with feeling left out” by Crystal Raypole from healthline, “Meeting new people and making new friends is one of them.” Compared to when Hailey was with her old friends, she feels happier now. “We always listen to what each other has to say and make sure everyone feels valid,” said Hailey.

It’s normal for people to feel down about being left out. “10 ways to cope with feeling left out” by Crystal Raypole from healthline states, “Your emotions are valid, avoid trying to deny them or hold them back.” It’s okay to accept your emotions.

If you’re wondering why your friends aren’t including you in things, you should consider exploring the signals you’re sending out. Based on “10 ways to cope with feeling left out” by Crystal Raypole from healthline, “Your body language and behavior may make you seem closed off, so they assume you have no interest.”

You can also try to do the inviting instead of waiting for them to invite you first. Last, but not least, work on strengthening your self-confidence.

Communication is very important in any kind of relationship. When you’re facing problems, it’s best to confront the other person about it and talk things out to try and resolve it. Talking to your friends about it is better than having misunderstandings or keeping it all to yourself. Even if it’s not what you wanted to hear, you have to face and accept the truth.

Things might not end on a good note between you and your friends, but friends shouldn’t make you feel excluded in the first place. If you’re feeling this way, then there’s a possibility that they’re not the right friends for you.

Confrontation can be hard and deciding to leave that group of friends can be difficult. Some people stay because they don’t want to be alone. But, being on your own is better than surrounding yourself with people who don’t care about you.

Towards the middle of freshman year, I was able to make new friends, and we’re still friends today. As I grow older, my friend group gets smaller. But, that’s okay, because when it comes to friendship, quality is more important than quantity.