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By Ana Perez
Back in Hidalgo Mexico, l was in the 5th grade when the teacher was presenting to the whole class the different options we had for middle school, since the following year was our last year of elementary.
I remember the teacher explaining that there was only one middle school on my block, and it was an hour away from my house. This meant that if l wanted to continue school l had to walk for more than one hour in order to get to school or take the bus every single day, which was $200 pesos at the time, around $10 dollars here.
For me and my family that was expensive since we were broke for a period of time. The reason for that was because my dad was our only source of income, and because of personal reasons he stopped working completely, which meant that we were only using saved money to survive.
you may ask or wonder, well why didn’t your mom work so that she could pay for your education? Well she was taking care of me and my siblings, and she was also taking care of my grandparents because they were sick and needed attention 24/7. She was also taking care of my grandparents’ rancho. It was just a lot of work and worries for my mom, since she had her own problems to deal with such as her marriage.
I remember my teacher telling us to share with our parents all of the different options we had for middle school, but I did not mention anything about this topic to my mom. The reason was because I felt like it was my responsibility and I didn’t want to worry her since she already had too much on her plate.
One night for whatever reason l just couldn't go to sleep, l remember checking the time on my phone and it was 1:11 Am, it was kind of weird to see that number because the moment that i saw it, i got a feeling of something happening. l tried multiple times closing my eyes but when l did, l would only think of questions. for example, what am I going to do?, what can l do to get money?, should l not continue school? should I tell my mom to start working so she can pay for my education?
I was just tired of thinking and thinking about all of these questions, so I decided to get up and write my solution plan in a notebook. It was dark, cold and there were a lot of mosquitoes since I left the window open that night. But l still moved my blanket and managed to get up, l tried not to wake my sister up since I used to sleep with her. On my way out to the kitchen l grabbed a pencil and notebook, l opened the door and l sat down on the table, and started to think of ideas. l remember getting distracted because l could only hear the mosquitos buzzing all around me and i was getting goosebumps from how cold it was that night.
I started thinking of ways I could get money from, and I remember telling myself out loud “well I'm 7 years old, where can l work? I can’t even carry a box, or clean, or cook, or sell stuff. I closed my notebook and threw away my pencil, and I started to cry. After a few minutes, I got up rubbing my eyes and turned off the light and went back to sleep.
I didn’t touch nor think about this topic for weeks, and i kept avoiding it but l knew one day l would come up with something. Weeks later I went to school like every other day, l was with my friends and it was launch time, l looked at my phone and it was 11: 01 o’clock, and again when l saw the numbers l got the weird sensation of something happening, l just felt like someone warning me, saying that i'm going to experience an important even on the next weeks.
My friends and I were eating at a table and l saw a girl struggling with her homework. l asked her, “Do you need help? l can help you if you want.”
She looked at me and said “yes please, l can pay you if you want”
l immediately said “ oh no its ok” but then i remembered that l needed money and l said to her “oh yeah, can you please pay me?”
she was kind of shock since l sad no the first time, and l felt bad but I really needed the money. after finishing her homework she give me 11 dollars. I felt happy that I made money but at the same time, l felt guilty for doing homework for money.
Since that day I started to do homework for my classmates for money, and I actually kept doing that until middle school. But that's a whole different topic. After 4 months of doing work for others l saved 537 pesos, around 30 or 40 dollars here, but sadly that was not enough for school, so I decided to give all the money I saved to my mom so she could use it for food and other necessities.
At the time, I felt like there was no solution of me continuing with school, but at the same time l knew that I just couldn't give up school that fast. l didn’t want to work on a minimum wage job for the rest of my life, but if l had to drop out just to save money and help my family out, l would just agree with it because at the end of the day l knew that my family was more important than my education.
Every year my madrina would go to Mexico to visit me and my family. It was one of my favorite part of those years. She would tell us stories about her childhood, and how she crossed the border when she was only 21 years old. one of my favorite stories was when she met my padrino at a jaripeo in mexico, bull riding here, it was just the best love storys .
One day after school l decided to explain my situation to my madrina. We sat down on the kitchen table, and we talked for a few hours trying to figure out a solution. She told me that the only solution was me going with her to the U.S and studying here until I finish college or my career. When she said that, l just started thinking about my mom when on her previous birthday wish was to stick together as a family even though we were going through tough times. I didn’t want to leave my mom, but at the same time l knew that it was a great opportunity for me and my education.
I was just shocked and scared of even thinking about leaving my family, and l didn't tell my mom anything about what my madrina told me that day. I felt weird and sad, and it was like my brain was fighting with my heart.
my heart was saying, “How dare you think of leaving your family here struggling? How can you even do this to your little sister, like come on, you are her only friend, her only sister, her only company.
But on the other side, my brain was saying “This is a good opportunity for you. You can actually have your dream career. You don't have anything here Ana—no education, no middle school, no money, no future, so how can you even help your family if you don't the right sources?”
Later that day, I just couldn't hold it anymore, and l told my mom that l was probably going with my madrina to the U.S and study there, until i finish my career. I was super surprised that she was she super relaxed, and I asked her, “Well, whatcha think, mami?
Her response was “Who’s gonna stop you, mija? If you think that thats a a good solution and opportunity for you, then go ahead.”
I continued to ask questions: “But what about you or yaz?”
She responded, “What about me or your sister? We are going to be fine. We have two hands, two feet and this is all l ask for: to be healthy, and that's it.
“I know you are frustrated about school and living like this and I understand, but just a reminder, you should never be ashamed of where you came from mija.”
Finally, l responded, “Mami, you know i would never be ashamed of being poor or where l came from, or my past and you know that”
“l know you're not, it's just a reminder, mija,” she said.
Then it was time to tell my sister the sad news. I remember she was playing with her doll and l said “Whatchu doing, yazmin?”
“Just playing hermanita,” she responded.
I didn't know how to tell her or even explain it to her, since she was little. l was not trying to make a big deal out of it so l just said, “Well, you wanna know something? I'm going with madrina to the U.S. so l can study there.”
“So you are going to leave here alone, Hermanita?” she asked.
“Don't worry, you have mom, and I'm going to visit you. You will be fine,” I said.
Because she was too little she could only remember certain situations, but now almost six years later l asked her about her opinion of me choosing this decision:
Sister: {spanish}
“era una gran oportunidad para ti, ya que tu querías estudiar y echarle ganas, así que yo pienso que nosotras osea yo y mama no podimos que decir que no ya que lo mejor para ti era que te fueras con madrina, aunque tu sabias que ibas a sufrir ya que pues te iba a separar de nosotras osea de yo y mama.”
{ english}
"It was a great opportunity for you, since you wanted to study and give it a try, so I think that we, I mean, I and Mom couldn't say no since the best thing for you was for you to go with your godmother, even tho you knew that You were going to suffer since then you were going to separate you from us, me and mom.”
She got up from the floor crying, and she hugged me saying “i'm going to miss you, who's gonna make pancakes for me now”.
I hugged her so tight and said, “I promise, you will be fine, plus, i'm going to call you every night ok, but don't cry,” rubbing her soft skin and cleaning her beautiful black eyes.
The night before leaving, I couldn't sleep, I could only feel my tears falling down my face, rubbing my sister's little hand and kissing it.
My mom noticed that l was crying and she hugged me all night saying that l would be fine and that I can still say no. l went back to sleep since the flight was at 11:00 AM
The next morning, l got up, l was feeling kind of tired, l had no energy and was kind of moody. My mom made breakfast for all of us. Later on I heard a knock, l went to open the door and it was my dad, he told me if i was really sure about this, and l said “yes, l have to dad.”
He hugged me, saying how much he loves me and sorry for everything. I went back to the kitchen to finish eating and I got ready. My sister was still sleeping, I woke her up saying that it was time to say goodbye, she immediately cried and said “I'm going to miss you, can you kiss my doll so l can kiss it when i missed you or need you hermanita?”
“Of course,” I said. I kissed the doll and hugged her. I was running late and said, “please take care of mom ok? And you take care. You are super strong, and don't cry ok? l love you so much I pinky promise.” Finally we made a pinky promise and l left.
Recently I talked to my sister yazmin over the phone and l ask her to tell me what does she remember from the day we said goodbye to each other:
Sister:{spanish}
“Pues mira, cuando me miraste por ultima vez, lo único que pasó por mi mente fue como de wow!!, no creo que este va a ser nuestro último abrazo, y me acuerdo que te abrazaba muy fuerte, y en ese momento nadamas me decía no te vayas ana, y me acuerdo como el corazón palpitaba muy fuerte pero en el ondo de mi yo sabia que te iba a abrazar de nuevo.”
{English}
"Well, look, when you hugged me for the last time, the only thing that went through my mind was like wow!!, I don't think this is going to be our last hug, and I remember that I hugged you very tightly, and at that moment I just said to me don't go, Ana, and I remember how my heart was beating very fast , but in my mind I knew that I was going to hug you again. "
Now it was time for my mom to say goodbye, and like my dad, she told me how much she loved me and to take care. After we hugged l went to the bus, l was just thinking about what my future would be in the United States. l was excited but scared, and at the same time I was nervous. Deep down l knew that everything was going to be okay, like my mom and dad said.
Looking back, now that is 2021, l feel like it was all worth it. I graduated middle school with honors, and I'm about to be a senior in high school. l could not imagine myself in Mexico working and not going to school. Of course it was hard to adapt to a whole new country, school, family, lenguaje ,culture, and l know im the same person. I am more educated. And I'm super thankful for that.
From this experience I have learned that if you actually want to be somebody in this unfair life and ugly world, you have to fight for it and you have to look for options. Not everyone will help you accept you. I do not regret any decision nor action that I made. I just hope that my parents are proud of me and of course my sister as well.
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