returned

By Lizbeth Murillo Sandoval

When I picture the word “best friend,” I picture two halves of a whole soul. I know it sounds corny but think about it. Two people can be soulmates but in a friend way.

I know this is true because I had this type of person in my life. I had my other half but at some point in time, I lost that person.

The bond that I had with them was one that was unforgettable. We didn’t see each other as friends, but rather we saw each other as family.

Sometimes we wouldn’t talk for days and when we did, we would talk to each other for hours—that is until I noticed that things began to feel off.

I noticed that we began talking less at the point when one month, we had only talked once. And then, the unexpected happened. I remember it clearly as if it just happened yesterday. That’s something you might hear in several movies but I kid you not, it’s true. It’s a very vivid memory. I received a text asking if I was busy so me and him could talk. I can’t remember much after that.

Throughout the whole phone call I couldn’t be serious. Maybe I acted that way because I didn’t want to accept what was happening. Or maybe it was just too much for me to process. I probably made things weird. I only know so much on my end.

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When we first met each other, we would talk whenever we would bump into one another at school. We clicked instantly. That quick connection felt right. It might seem like a gut feeling when really it's just intuition.

I always enjoyed our “deep conversations” as people would say. We trusted one another. I remember this one night where everything was bad for me. He was always putting his things aside to help me out. It was never physical but just having him on the other line was helpful enough. I would do the same too. A majority of nights were always like that. I understand that one’s mental state can get worse and they need time for themselves.

Little did I know that space was something he needed. How could I have known? His way of saying he needed space was by taking me out of his life. That’s the best way I can phrase it. He’s told me many times that he regrets how things were left off but he did explain to me that he never reached out because he felt as if I hated him. I’m gonna lie, after some time, I did hate him because I was confused about everything that happened.

I was curious about so many things. I had so many unanswered questions. Over the years, I built up wondering about what I could possibly ask him— if he were to ever return to my life. I was usually answering these questions on my own. It would result in me blaming myself. I was torturing myself. I know that sounds bad but I had this idea that I did something wrong.

But then one evening, out of the blue, I got a phone call. The number looked familiar so I answered it. What’s funny is that I’m not one to answer random numbers but for some odd reason I answered it. It was Eleazar.

The first question that I was so eager to ask was what made him disappear so unexpectedly. We recently spoke, and he told me what he remembered.

Eleazar: “I didn’t leave unexpectedly in my opinion. I had told you about my situation of me having to take time off of everyone, including my own family. It was just overwhelming for me. I feel like things were not clear and if you didn’t get closure, I feel like you didn’t get closure because not everything was clear.”

He’s right about that. To me, when we last talked two years ago, it didn’t feel like closure. It felt more like unfinished business. Like if you begin a new hobby or project and it never gets finished. It only gets started. That’s how I looked at it. .

Eleazar: “That night, it didn’t feel weird because when I left it felt like I never left. Although I didn’t get to talk to you or anything, I would always have these flashback memories where I would be like, “Imma call Liz right now.” And I couldn’t. I would always remember, you are barely just trying to heal and it’s not the right time to. When I called you it didn’t feel weird because I always knew that for some reason, we would always be part of each other's lives at some point down the road. I feel like it was just that time and it was good timing for both of us. I believe in my opinion but it was good timing for me. It does make me sound selfish but that’s how things went. But no I didn’t feel weird or anything. I felt it was right.”

Lizzy: “It was weird for me. Because remember I told you I don’t answer random phone calls but I felt like I had to answer. I don’t know. That’s just weird.”

Maybe it was luck that made me answer or maybe I hoped for it to finally be him at the other end of the line. To this day, I can’t process that it really was him. Even though now in the present we talk everyday, I still can’t believe it. I feel like that since it’s been so long, my mind got used to leaving him in the past. It became a “costumbre.” In english it translates to habit.

We both needed to grow as individuals. Yes it was rough because we couldn’t run to each other. Whenever something good happened or something that just broke me, he was always the first person I would want to tell. Overall, it was just bad. There was a lot of pain. I won’t lie about that.

With all the times I’ve thought about contacting him, I never did because I had this idea that he blocked me on everything. I never thought that he was thinking the same thing. I asked him if he ever thought about reaching out to me when we weren’t in contact.

Eleazar: “Yes. Of course. Reason why is because I just really missed having a good time with you. Like laughing and eating. Whenever we hang out, we always eat. I don’t know why.”

Lizzy: “Because we’re fat.”

Eleazar: “I think it’s because we share a love for food or chips and stuff like that. Just food in general. We always share a relationship with food or with funny jokes, with games, or with gossip. Literally anything. We’ve always had a thing for those things we actually enjoy. We always enjoy really similar or close or the exact same things we both enjoy. Yes of course. I would always try and keep in my mind to let's reach out to her. I would always decline my own self because I just needed to work on my own.”

When I first heard him say all of that, it brought up so many memories from the past. I don’t always want to have this hate towards him because of how things happened. He did what was best for himself. I always wanted the best for him. Everyday I would hope that he was doing okay. I hoped he was happy.

To this day I still want what’s best for him.

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Something that scares me is that now that he’s in my life again, I start to wonder if he’ll leave again. When you’ve known someone for so long, of course you’d be scared to be abandoned by them. It would suck if he left but everything isn’t just about me.

My final question was about abandonment and his perspective. I was curious if he would ever think about leaving again:

Eleazar: “No. Although for you it would be hard to ever or not ever but come back into realization to that. I would leave unless I died because obviously I have to die. If I go through a mental crisis. Like really bad mental crisis that I’ve never been in before, like a really horrible one, then probably. I’ll leave but then I’ll tell you the truth this time and tell you what actually is about. Obviously I feel that you would do the same thing if something bad would happen. I would think you would shut people out because you’re going through… emotions. If I do leave, I’ll always come back around. Either way. You’re completely the only person I would ever do that with. Without any disrespect to you or anyone but I feel like we’ve always been there for each other as much as we can be, and I feel like- no offense to anyone that are friends of mine or acquaintances of mine or whatever they may be, don’t take it the wrong way but I would always come back to you no matter what. You’ve always been a holder in my mind that you have always have been-- you basically have a place in me that no one--”

Lizzy: “That sounds weird.”

Eleazar: “It does sound weird.”

Lizzy: “It’s like I gave you a kidney or something.”

Eleazar: “Yeah basically. It’s like you’re a part of me now. You’ve always been since the minute we met. You’ve always been a part of me. I feel like Imma always come back to that part and that part can never be dismissed. Besides other people, obviously they’re gonna come and go and I won’t care. But with you and your family, I will always care. No matter what situation we may be. I’m always going to want to come back. Was it wrong for me to leave? Yes. I hated myself for it and I have talked to your brother about it and people that are just normal people but I’m always gonna come back no matter what. Unless something extremely bad happens between us which I really doubt it. We’ve always come back into good terms after either an upset or butting heads or an argument, we’ve always laughed after it and it’ll come back to normal. We never really hold grudges against each other. At least I never did from my end. I've never held a grudge against you. We’ve always been under each other's arms and we’ve always been under each other's care. I will always come back to you no matter what.”

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Honestly, even though I have him back in my life, I still have thoughts that he might leave again. If it’s happened once then it could probably happen again, right? Maybe I’m just traumatized. I don’t know what it might be exactly. That’s what my conscience tells me.

Personally, I don’t want to experience that type of pain and hurt again. I was in a deep place where I felt like I couldn’t get out of, and it was so horrifying. If I could describe how I felt, it was a never ending nightmare. The ones when you feel like you won’t ever wake up. It was just so bad. I get scared just thinking about it.

But then again, even though it feels different to have him back in my life, I am trying to come to the realization that he’s back. I wouldn’t say that things have gotten better or worse but it is more like he’s never left. I am glad to have him as my friend again and not a stranger. That bond that was there before never left.

Song credits

Title: Lo-fi Type Beat - “I Need You”

Artist: Eric Godlow Beats

Link to track: https://youtu.be/iZkd4ZfXMOM

Title: Lo-fi Type Beat - “You’re never around”

Artist: Eric Godlow Beats

Link to track: https://youtu.be/d3ivPRg8XfI

Title: Sad Joji x Lofi Type Beat - Memories About You

Artist: Chill Denis

Link to track: https://youtu.be/sp1PcuT1-qY