My stress-filled senior year

By Melanie Nunez

On august 11th, 2020 it was my first day of senior year. Nothing made me feel more glad than knowing I was officially a senior and imagining how easy online school would be. The night before school started I had so many emotions, and I had hoped we would turn back to school during the fall.

That morning I woke up forty minutes before my first class started. I made sure I had full energy by making myself an iced coffee, getting my laptop ready, and looking at least presentable if teachers were to ask us to turn our camera on. At the end of my day, I asked myself “ is this really going to work out ? “ “ will we turn back during the fall?” “ will online classes be easier than attending school?”

Having school with a late schedule wasn't such a great thing. I knew I had to manage work time as well. At my job I had to cut down hours so I decided to start my own lashing business. But the first few months, it wasn't so stressful. Online classes were definitely allowing me to work at my own pace, the little amount of homework I was given, and the flexibility I had.

But since the start of school, I didnt really liked distance learning. It made me realize how much my life changed and I want to go back to school. I was definitely missing the interaction I had with my classmates and teachers. The actual motivation I would have to wake up and get ready for school and during virtual learning i would stay dressed all day just how i woke up.

It was the smallest thing that mattered that I didn't think would ever matter. I was never the person to dislike attending school, because I loved to learn and I always grew up loving school and when I was younger my dream was to become a teacher. I always had that career dream because I truly enjoyed school. Growing up in a mexican culture, it has always been “ continue going to school to be able to succeed in life” so growing up with that mentality, was the reason why i felt always motivated to attend school.

It was a big change for me and probably for many other students around me but feeling drained, exhausted, stressed was something we never want to experience as students. As time went by I felt like nothing made me feel better than knowing that my business was growing during the pandemic and would at least make me feel better about myself knowing i was going to spend time on something I liked by keeping my mind off school. During every single footstep I made sure I took all the precautions I could to be safe during COVID to be sure that me and family were safe while I still allowed clients to come to my house.

My mom has always been there for me and will forever be my best friend. She knows me so well that I can't hide anything from her. She would tell me she could simply figure it out with the tone of my voice and my actions.

Mom: “ la motivación era cuando ban a la escuela, porque no se lo mismo el la casa, la diferencia es que se levantan tarde, solo aqui no saben que hacer y para la escuela es diferente porque se arreglan temprano y porque desayunan y van con gusto a la escuela”

[English translation: the motivation was when they go to school, because its no the same being home, the difference is that they would wake up early ti get ready, eat breakfast and go to school with pleasure.]

In the beginning of the school year I didn't let that stress build up. I always made sure I didn't procrastinate on homework and always tried to manage my time. Things were working out well for me, but at the end of class I just felt like this draining emotion of just sitting all day in front of a computer. It was like I was just sitting down but not exactly learning anything which made me feel like my whole time went to waste.

As soon as I knew winter break, spring break, was coming up it was like my biggest relief. During those breaks I would feel like it was a weight on my shoulders knowing I would be able to have more time for myself by working and just have a little break from school.

Half way through the year, I knew the pandemic wasn’t going to get any better and my senior year wasn't going to be like a normal senior year. It felt like I wasn't getting the full experience I wish I did. Having a senior presentation in process was one of the most stressful projects, just due to us being so pushed to finish it. I would always hear “ your last year is going to be so easy “, or '' senior year is gonna be your favorite year.'' Well, I asked myself “ was it really supposed to be? “ “i feel like this stress is piling up, and i hate school now.” School was draining me mentally and physically. I had no motivation to even go out anymore.

One evening, my family had spent the weekend at my aunt's house having a blast while I was home doing homework all day. The times I wanted to spend time with my family or boyfriend but instead spent time getting homework done. I didn't make time for myself or for things I wanted to do. My routine was always going to work and do school, carrying these emotions from one place to another. After class, I would see that my mom would try to convince me to go get lunch with her or go grab a coffee.

Mom: “ a veces te miro muy estresada, pero trato de distraerme y que no te estreses tanto, y porque es tu último año, echale muchas ganas”

[English translation: sometimes i see you really stressed out, but i try to distract you so you dont get as stressed, especially because its your senior year]

Sometimes when I would spend time with my mom I would feel good knowing I had the opportunity to spend time with my loved one and distract my mind. These times would help so much but having the same thought in the back of my head, “ school is stressing me” or “ why do i have to feel like this “ would just upset me all over again .

Stress wasn't ever a thing for me ever in my life but I knew it became it after experiencing all this anxiety getting towards the last few months of school. I truly felt like teachers didn't understand how hard it was for students. Sitting down in front of my computer being surrounded by my family members, trying to concentrate but truely so hard because all I ever was just distracted by the tv playing in the background, going on my phone, and my younger siblings fighting in the back wasn't as easy as you’d think.

When I realized how i mentally and physically low I was feeling, it made me think about how my younger brothers probably felt the same way. I never liked bringing this topic up anymore or letting people know how I was feeling. I wouldn’t really mention anything but living with my parents, they were always able to diguise it how i was feeling. The only thing I would truly do was just deal with it and try my best to distract myself and push myself.

This pressure knowing I couldn't give up because being the oldest child meant “showing a good example” to your siblings would drain me even more. Trying not to disappoint my parents by deciding and planning my future in a small amount of time. AP homework, english reading, senior presentation, event meetings, last but not least college applications. It completely felt like stress was thrown at my face. It wasn't like it seemed to be. I knew I couldn't give up until I had that high school diploma in my hands.

Mom: “ pienso que en el verano, que te va ayudar pa que te desestreses porque vas entrar a una nueva escuela, por tu trabajo.”

[English translation: I think during the summer, it’s going to help you distract yourself because your going to a new school and work.]

Looking back to all those times I had mental breakdowns in the middle of night, my anxiety attacks in the middle of night would feel so exhausting. Things would just add up being a full time student and having two jobs.

According to Inside Higher Aid, a survey based on “ students' biggest challenge or struggle last fall'' shows a percentage of 44% feeling stressed, lonely, and dealing with anxiety. During this pandemic students not only have been experiencing these emotions but as well as trying to keep up with their academics. An equal total percentage of 14% shows that students struggle with having a good study place and struggling to pay the cost of books, tuition, and other costs. Stress, loneliness, and dealing with anxiety were the top challenges during the fall semester. I know im not alone and many other students are feeling the same or felt the same way and it makes me upset thinking about it.

This experience wasn't ever expected, but I'm glad I learned a lot about this situation and makes me think more positively about stuff now. This was definitely a one life time experience I could share later on with my own children. It's important to just put yourself first at all times.