more than a smart kid

By: J N.

Content Warning: Story mentions suicide

I’m not smart. I have a 4.0 GPA. I aced my AP exams. I get awards for academic achievement. But I’m not smart.

I didn’t have to try that hard to do well in school, and now that classes are more challenging, I don’t know how. I can’t find the motivation to improve because I’ve never had to do it before. I’m sure this is a universal experience for anyone labeled as a “gifted kid.”

I know you. We’re a bit talented, but there’s a limit to how far we can get with just talent.

As we get older, the expectations from parents, peers, and professors build up. Every missing point or wrong answer brings it closer to crashing down, crushing hopes and dreams. At least, that’s how it seems.

I’ve been a “smart kid” for as long as I’ve been in school. I hung out with other nerds and listened to adults. People would ask me for my homework or to edit their essays. My parents stopped caring when I did well on exams. I was just doing what I was supposed to; it was nothing to bat an eye at. Teachers I respected started to look so disappointed whenever I did poorly.

I mean, I never studied for anything. The results were to be expected.

It happened so often that I started doubting myself. When I didn’t do as well as others, I compared myself to them. They can do it. Why can’t I? Why was I so dumb? I felt like a failure. I still feel like one sometimes.

It got to the point that I became paralyzed. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything out of fear that I would just fail again. Every decision I made felt set in stone, and I would let people down no matter what I chose. I gave up. I stopped eating, I stopped sleeping, I stopped wanting to wake up. And nobody noticed. I told everyone I was fine, and unfortunately, they believed me. I’m sure a lot of you can relate to that. My parents never worried about me. My friends just assumed I was joking. I smiled so brightly and laughed so often that it couldn’t be true. I couldn’t be depressed.

Last school year, around the AP exam period, I attempted suicide. Twice.

I had become so scared of disappointing others that I would rather die.

My older brother walked in on the second attempt, and I couldn’t bring myself to try again. There were so many things more important than my grades. My brother, my friends, my teachers, everyone else that cared about me. They would rather me be alive with terrible grades than dead with a perfect report card.

It took me a while to realize that.

Let me reintroduce myself.

I’m not smart, and I don’t force myself to be. I try to make people proud, but not at the expense of my health (mental or physical). My grades are getting worse, but I finally feel happy. Sometimes the thoughts come back, and it feels like I haven’t made any progress. But I’m working on it.

I’m J Nguyen. I like to hang out with my friends, play games, do dumb shit, and I’m more than just a smart kid. So are you.

For The Warrior Times, this is my story.