Will i ever be okay?

By: Princess P.

Content Warning: Story mentions suicide

“I can’t do this” “Why can’t I do this right?” “How am I so stupid?” “What did I even do to get like this?” “I’m not enough” were the things I always told myself when I couldn’t do anything. Even if it was just getting up to the bathroom to pee, I could not hold myself up to stand. Eating a simple meal was something I could not do. I would throw up every single bite I consumed. It hurt. It hurt to do simple tasks like brushing my hair, drinking water, changing clothes, or even just talking. I couldn’t do anything. I would always sleep in for the whole day. I was angry all the time. I was angry that I couldn’t do anything right. I blamed myself for everything.

I was struggling with self harm and suicidal thoughts. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I was so desperate for an answer, so I went to seek help. But they didn’t do anything. All they told me was that I was just being lazy and that it would all be back to normal if I can just get my things together.

Was I just being lazy? No. Trying to get up every morning is not being lazy. I was so mentally, emotionally, and physically drained. I remember crying in my mom’s arms because I was so angry. So angry that I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. That was when she told me, “Kaya mo yan anak, wag ka umiyak. Andito kami para sayo. Mahal na mahal kita.” which translates to “You got this child, don’t cry. We’re here for you. I love you so much.” Hearing this from my Mother made me want to get better and lift myself up. It felt good that I was being supported instead of being brushed off.

My experience wasn’t linear. But with the help of my family, especially my Mom, It was a learning experience. I learned that no matter how many times I blamed myself, it wasn’t going to solve anything. I was digging myself a bigger hole that I would never get out of. I learned that everything takes time and the more I rushed things the more it would cause me to go back from the beginning. I learned that I was enough. I learned how to love myself.

For the Warrior Times. This is Princess Paat.