The blurry road to Self-Discovery

By: Brandon N.

What is the meaning of life?

For many, it is a question with a multitude of answers. For others, there is no answer.

I remember asking myself that question in eighth grade. I had just moved to a new school; I had to make new friends. Right when I was just getting used to the way things were in seventh grade at my previous school, things changed faster than Thanos when he snapped his fingers.

Meeting all these new people at a time where my brain was going through tons of physical and mental changes, it created a ton of questions for me. These questions would haunt me for a long while.

With the rise of social media and clout, I would be lying if I didn’t say that seeing all those notifications hit the synapses in my brain. My past self was trying to maintain a social image when I was struggling with my own image outside of the screen. “Who am I?” I would ask myself.

As someone who grew up being compared to my younger sister, as well as my peers, and constantly shunned by my father for certain mannerisms or habits I had, such as crying, despite being a male. I found myself doubting my own abilities and self. Is all this progress truly mine? My self-esteem would become something I struggled with, and would shape my perception of my own self-value and identity.

I identify myself to be one of those kids that everyone knows, but no one knows at the same time. A chameleon who can blend into different groups of people. I always floated from group to group. Yet, I still felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. The fear of missing out would be in full throttle throughout most of my high school career. My addiction to social media certainly wasn’t helping out in any way.

All these different personas within me that I swap on the fly like a mask. It would eventually create an internal conflict that was to be kept to myself. There’s so many sides to me, that I didn’t know who the real me was anymore. At that point, I would be having a silent existential crisis and keeping myself occupied for the sake of taking my mind off it. Trying my best to live in the moment.

Yet no matter how hard I tried, I wasn’t able to find an answer to the questions that lurked in the darkest regions of my mind. It felt like navigating through a dense forest filled with fog, but with no exit.

And then came March 13th, 2020. The quarantine period.

Mentally, it brought me down to my lowest. Everyday felt like an endless time loop. It wasn’t easy, constantly reevaluating my sense of self. It was limbo every day and night in the dense forest of my mind.

But all the time spent at home managed to reignite some of my hobbies, like gaming and watching anime, and helped me discover my interest and enthusiasm for writing. The media I was consuming allowed me to escape into a world where words would be flowing non-stop into my head. I could project myself onto these fictional characters, I could be touched by their stories, I could allow myself to become happy with myself once again.

I decided to change the way I dressed, grew out my hair, did things for myself rather than the validation of others. I began to slowly accept not just what was on the surface, but all aspects and flaws on the inside as part of a singular entity: Me.

By the time we returned to school in-person, I felt like I finally hit my “glow-up” and was proud of how far I’ve come. I no longer had to worry about the internal conflict I once had. Being able to find me allowed me to find my sense of purpose in my life. Enjoy life the way I want to live it, and embrace what comes to me naturally.

For The Warrior Times, I am Brandon Nop.