trying too hard

By Kenny N.

Man, I should get an award for being the loneliest person through my adolescent years. Nah, I’m joking about that, but then again, it doesn’t fit with the snapshot’s title.

I’m going to end up digressing if I keep talking about minor topics; I’m sure it’s not that bad either, but my grade is going to be at risk if I talk about pokemon after this.

I was a laid-back person despite being a hardworking student and committed to learning. From living rent-free and leisure, I was living the life of a free person—free-loader?—but faced money issues.

However, living in abundance isn’t the problem for a child to live in: it’s the loneliness offered to them. Of course, it doesn’t merely apply to people that bathe in wealth, but to single child families or workaholic families.

From the perspective of the child’s eye, there’s nothing better than seeing your own home completely dark; its quiet, cold atmosphere and pitch-dark rooms, with its dimmed lights flowing from the curtains blocking the windows. It starts the chills of a puny child and the perception of the real world, not by growing up into an adult, but becoming an adult by experiencing the cruelty of your home, and yet, we ignore it until we notice that the feeling of loneliness has really been your only friend.

Actually, I had the love and care I needed before my adolescent years, but it slowly faded once I was an adolescent. Maybe it’s a self-loving issue that I developed after those years, and that I should start being independent from my parents.

So, I keep telling myself that I’d grow stronger from showing my flaws to others, but I can’t do it.

It’s too hard to show my shortcomings to others, not from the fear of mockery, but from the isolation.

I’m scared that my own incompetence will be the reason why I’m left out in every event. I’m scared of the feeling of my heart stopping when I’m told that there’s no need for me. It’s the feeling of solitude that causes me to not have a reason in this world.

It’s a matter of time where I’ll turn the lights on, draw the curtains, cover myself with a blanket, and relax on my favorite spot. It’s at the point where I simply stop trying my best to look good and accept the genuine flaws that I have. I know there’s room for improvements throughout life, which is why I simply stopped trying. It’s not the sign of giving up, but accepting that there’s more to life than dedicating to having an impression on others.

For The Warrior Times, this is Kenny Nguyen