changes

By Johny Du

When you get angry, what happens to you? Do you tense up? Does your face get red? Do you clench your fist tightly? Maybe you yell out at someone or something, you punch your pillow, or you sit quietly in peace to calm you down.

But after your multiple outrages did you ever want to change yourself from being a little rage monster?

Even if you feel like the world is against you and you want to fight everyone who opposes you, you have that feeling of wanting to change for the better. I, Johny Du, also had that feeling of change from being someone who couldn’t keep their cool to someone who rarely gets mad at anyone. Being angry is the worst feeling ever. I can never control myself and would cuss everyone out and sometimes hit them kindly. I’ve always wanted to change that mindset about me, but I would put it off to the side and forget about it a lot.

In junior high, I was in a lost state of mind. I was truly figuring out who I was as a person. I would be so gloomy and just get angry at anyone for doing something.

In 7th grade, I asked a classmate for help and my teacher told me to be quiet and I just snapped at her.

Johny: “What’d you think about me back then?”

Brian: “Uhhhhh, you were my friend so I didn’t give a shi- I didn’t care.”

That’s Brian Tran from Bellermine College Prep and he’s seen how I’ve transformed from this mad lad into a calmer person. He’s been with me for almost 10 years. He was like the brother that I’ve always wanted to have. I would play basketball with him and play games like Lost Ark and Valorant til this day. He’s one of my closest friends. I appreciate what he’s done for me.

Photo Credit: Johny Du

Johny: “What was the most outrageous thing I did?”

Brian: “Get pissed at our teachers.”

Johny: “What’d I do?”

Brian: “You slammed your math book on to the table and then Ms. Olga came in, perfectly on time, and then Ms. Pham was like take this kid.

Johny: “What was in your mind during said thing?”

Brian: “Oh during that moment?”

Johny: “Yeah.”

Brian: “I was like: oh my, this kid getting in trouble again.”

Johny: “That’s it?”

Brian: “Yeah.”

Johny: “ok…”

Brian: “I was half worried too.”

Johny: “Oh, ok.”

So, in 7th grade when we had math, I asked for help from a classmate and my teacher was telling me not to make trouble. I got so confused and started arguing with her and it went on for a while and I got tired of her and she got tired of me. She sent me to the other side of the class and I got angry and slammed my book on the desk. I did this without even thinking and let my emotions take over this whole situation when I could’ve just left it alone. I was sent to the office and I bolted out of the class in fury.

Johny: “This is a very serious question.”

Brian: “Huh.”

Johny: “Were you scared of me?”

Brian: “What? What grade? ahahhahahahah”

Johny: “Any.”

Brian: “Any grade? Ahhahahha, sorry sorry sorry, uhhhh, I was scared of you every since I met you.”

Johny: “That’s… that’s racist.”

Brian: “What????”

Johny: “Do you think there was something wrong with me?”

Brian: “yeah.. Just a little bit.”

Johny: “ok….uhh”

Brian: “heheheaahah”

Johny: “Were you ever surprised of any of the things I’ve done and which one?”

Brian: “hmmm, uhhh, I don’t know. Woah woah woah yeah yeah, I know.”

Johny: “What?”

Brian: “When we play basketball and like, you’re playing for fun. You shoot a half court and you make those out of nowhere.”

Johny: “Oh my, no it’s not. It’s relation to me getting mad.”

Brian: “OHHHH OOOPS.”

But, there’s an incident we both remember, so clearly. The whole class was in the library to get some books because it was mandatory. It was right around Christmas and some students brought Christmas hats to school to be in the holiday vibe. My friend, Brian, brought his to school and my other friend, Jonathan, kind of instigated this other student, let’s call him M, to yank and try to take the hat. It went pitch black but he was hit a few times and sent to the bathroom to check up on himself and I remember just looking around breathing, taking in on what just happened. After all that happened, all three of us were sent to the office to tell our side of the story to the principal. First Jonathan left, then M, then there was me, alone with the principal. I was so shaken up after the whole thing and when I told my side of the story, I just broke down and cried. The principal told me I should feel guilty and better myself to learn not to do it again but after all that, she comforted me. While I was crying, I was just repeating in my head that it’s my fault. Again and Again.

“It’s my fault. It’s my fault. It’s my fault. It’s my fault. It’s my fault. It’s my fault. It’s my fault. It’s my fault. It’s my fault.”

But suddenly it stopped. When she finished talking to me and sent me to the bathroom to wash up, I just looked up and saw my red eyes and I just thought.

“What just happened?”

I ran upstairs to my classroom and was hesitant to open the door and walk in. I mustered up the courage to walk in and boom. Everyone was staring at me till I sat down in my seat. Just waiting for lunch break to start.

The next day Jonathan, M, and I were sent to the office again to talk to the principal and we were given a punishment. We were given a task to play games with the 3rd graders and had to think of new game ideas every day for a week. It really was refreshing because I was talking and interacting with M to put that library incident to the side.

Few more things happened but I wasn’t getting as mad anymore and I slowly started to stop feeling that emotion.

In 8th grade, I’ve been more excited for school, not for the learning but for the people I haven’t seen in a long time. I was smiling my way to school and I saw them and talked to them for 2 minutes then, sent immediately to the office. But after I ran up to my class and all my friends yelled my name in excitement and we all sat in the back relaxing for the first week of school.

This was the year when I was in the process of finding myself. I was falling in love with basketball more and more when I was getting better at it. I was doing decently in school. I was having a good school year, but quarantine hit. When quarantine hit I was happy because no school right? WRONG. I was so sad after the first or second month in. I realized that I needed other human interactions other than sitting in my room. I was barely eating and not showering. I was a little bit depressed about not seeing my friends. It was so tragic.

Photo Credit: Johny Du

Online school hit and I was talking to Brian over on discord and we were playing Minecraft during class. After all of our classes ended we went to Bedwars and I asked for a 3rd if we can trio and another student, Nathalie, joined. We played so much together, we just started a Discord server so we can just talk, play, and most importantly invite new people. Through all of quarantine, I’ve made and rekindled so many new relationships with others.

When in-person school happened, I was so nervous because I didn’t know anyone at YB. The only person I talked to was Cahrl in my 5th period class. The next day I rolled to the basketball courts during lunch break and I saw Cahrl play basketball. He invited me to play and I met Johnny and Savio that day. I’ve been playing with them ever since for a month or two and we met Guian and Jason. Guian, Jason, and I have been the trio because we have a lot of classes together and we are sophomores, so it just clicked instantly.

It’s been a rocky road, but the best thing of all is that negative thinking is locked away in a safe. It does leak out the safe sometimes but it’s only when I’m frustrated at myself or disappointed in myself. I’m not quick to blame others. I look at myself first and see what I’ve done wrong and make those adjustments to better myself. If someone gets mad at me or instigates an issue I would just ignore it.

I was happy again. I didn’t feel angry or sad anymore. All I needed were my friends to make me happy. I became more outgoing and extroverted.

Photo Credit: Johny Du

If negative emotions control your life, ask yourself, what’s causing this? What can I do to better myself? Try to fix those problems with yourself in any way that changes you positively. Be patient with yourself, don’t rush it. It won’t be an instant change but you will change for the better.

When you get angry, what happens to you? Do you tense up? Does your face get red? Do you clench your fist tightly? Maybe you should stop and think before you act. Remember, try to become better than your past self every day. Never forget, you are the most important person in your world.

Johny: “Do you think I reformed and how much do you think I changed?”

Brian: “Are?..so you’re Tyler1 now? Uhhhmm.”

Johny: :”haha”

Brian: “How much you reformed?”

Johny: “yeah.”

Brian: “hahaha, what kind of question is this? Uhhhh, I think you reformed. Now your 5, almost 5’11, almost 6 foot.”

Johny: “No no like.”

Brian: “Uhhh, personality changed a little. You’re more outgoing, you're ready to talk to the girls.”

Johny: “oh my..”

Brian: “Are your classmates watching this?”

Johny: “Yeah.”

Brian: “OHHHHHH. Guys, make sure to talk to Johny.”