My family isn't related to me

“Blood is thicker than water.” A phrase commonly used to tell people that relationships and loyalties within a family are the strongest and most important ones. A phrase I disagree with.

First, because it’s a misinterpretation of the original expression, “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” The true meaning is that blood spilled among soldiers during war creates a stronger bond than blood relations. Ironic, isn’t it?

Secondly, because blood may be thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood, and I don’t see many people valuing pancakes over their moms.

In my experience, found family is usually much stronger and healthier than any birth family.

Found family is the concept that one can choose who they call and don’t call their family, regardless of the blood they share. Blood-related people can still be a part of one’s found family. The point is that they don’t have to be.

Not everyone has the privilege of a supportive family. Some families are just straight-up toxic, and it’s unfair that people might be encouraged to stay in a harmful situation just because they’re related to their abusers.

For me, I speak less than thirty words to my parents each week. That might be inconceivable for some people, but to be honest, I wish it was zero. They expect a lot from me, and it’s strained our relationship. More often than not, they treat me like a retirement plan to brag about rather than a child they genuinely care for.

A memory comes to mind when I think about our relationship. My dad asked me to translate something and disagreed with what I’d said. Then, instead of calmly reexplaining himself, he yelled at me and called me stupid for the rest of the night and the next couple of days (not in a joking sense). I looked to my mom for support, and all she told me was not to get on his nerves because his yelling gave her a headache. She told me to forgive him because no matter what, he was still my dad. He never apologized though.

Looking back on that memory, I realize that some people aren’t meant to be parents.

There’s a laundry list of traumas and memories they have given me that I’ll struggle with for the rest of my life. Sure, my parents may have had rough lives themselves, and they may have even done their best to raise me, but that’s no excuse. I don’t care. If they had unresolved trauma or weren’t ready, they shouldn’t have become parents. It’s not fair that I have to endure something that doesn’t have anything to do with me. I don’t want to care about their past or forgive them for their actions just because they’re my parents, and I don’t have to.

I recognize that some are lucky enough to have a close relationship with their family, and I’m happy for them. But the rest of us didn’t get very lucky with the families we were born into, and we should at least be able to choose the people we call our family.

My friends are my family. I don’t have to walk on eggshells around them or fear that one mistake will send them into an angry spiral. They choose to have me in their lives, and I choose them.

I can’t say that much about my biological family.

Vish: “I think the whole concept of blood relations is kinda iffy considering how a person could have a horrible relationship with their mother or father, but they have to stay together because they’re related by blood, but they could have a group of friends that are a 100x better than them and they could be their chosen family.”

Society places a lot of significance on familial relationships because family will always be there. Because no matter the circumstances, your family is supposed to have your back. That’s what the movies say. Whenever there’s a problem, just talk it out with your family. Work through it together and it will always turn out okay. But, I find that unrealistic.

Matthew: I feel like Hollywood glorifies family hardships. Cheating, divorce, poverty; they usually make it out okay at the end because they love each other, or that’s all they needed. But, I wish it was that simple.

Bonds, familial or otherwise, are equal. It doesn’t matter if they’re your mom or if they’re some kid you met at school, the more time you spend together, the stronger your bond is.

For example, I’ll help my brother if he’s in a pinch because I care about him. But I don’t care about him because he’s my brother. I care about him because he’s my best friend. We’ve spent a lot of time together, and he’s been there for me when I needed him. Of course, we wouldn’t have shared those experiences if we weren’t siblings, but the sibling status doesn’t significantly affect my feelings towards him. I mean, there’s siblings out there that hate each other’s guts.

This applies to my friends too. I care about them because of the time we’ve spent together. Our lack of shared blood doesn’t change the fact that they’re good people that I click with.

Emily: My friends treat me differently than my family, but I value our relationships equally. There’s a distinction between being treated like a friend versus like a daughter that I really appreciate.

Vish: I can be a lot more open with my friends. Because my family is a very traditional family, as in, they don't really care for what I like to do in a sense. They prioritize religion and familial ties over how I am feeling. As for my friends, they actually consider how I’m doing, and they prioritize my health over other things.”

Blood is just another fluid. Its importance is an outdated concept that old people came up with to discourage their children from abandoning them.

At least, that’s the conclusion I’ve come to in my sixteen years of existence. My brother thinks otherwise.

J: How would you describe my relationship with our parents?

Billy: You’re not really close with either of them. You really don’t like dad, but I think you’re okay with mom.

J: What do you think about it? Do you disagree with the way I see them?

Billy: I kind of disagree with the way you treat them. You’re very blunt and don’t hide the way you feel about them. Mom has been through some stuff, and she does a lot for us… As for Dad, I understand where you’re coming from, but you’re a bit dramatic.

Y’know, as much as I try to push my parents out of my life, I still see them every day. I know they love me and I feel guilty for how I treat them. I still see the disappointed faces when I ignore them for the umpteenth time and hear the quiet pauses as they struggle to find the words to carry the conversation. But I also know that being around them is bad for my health.

I appreciate them for what they have done and continue to do for me, but my parents are not a part of my family, and unless they begin to treat me with the respect I deserve, I doubt that will change anytime soon.

Our family members are people. They’re greedy, mean, and jealous, just like everyone else. We often feel obligated to love and repay them for bringing us into this world and taking care of us (in a loose definition), but they aren’t special, and they don’t deserve special treatment.

My family is not related to me. They’re people I met by complete chance, and we don’t share a drop of blood, but I wouldn’t give them up for the world. I love them and the person I’ve become because I met them. Although time will pass, and we will drift apart, I’ll never forget that they were there for me in a time when the ones who were supposed to support me didn’t.

We all have a choice in who our family is. I’ve made my choice, and I’m pretty happy with it.

Music Used in this Podcast:

Holy Pastrami - DeadlyJimmy

My Name Is Haikara - DeadlyJimmy

Bad Boy - DeadlyJimmy

What Do You Want To do - DeadlyJimmy