No more calls for help

By Alexa A

TW/CW: mentions self-harm & suicide

I never thought that I'd be one to be diagnosed with depression. Nobody ever thought that it would be me. If I'm being honest though, it didn't surprise me. I noticed a change in myself when I became less enthusiastic about things and wasn't as joyful anymore. I don't even know how or why it happened and if I had to blame someone for it, I'd blame no one but myself.

I remember when it all started. It started in 2019 and I was only 13 years old. 

It mainly happened when I tried to be like everyone else. Popular, bold, and most of all, good-looking. I wanted to be like the girls at school but in order to be them, I had to change. So I did everything I could and at that point, I was already losing myself. Eventually, I got tired of trying to be someone else so I stopped doing everything I could, but that doesn't mean that I started loving myself again for who I was. I didn't anymore. I hated myself more than anything.

I hated myself to the point where I didn’t even wanna be alive. That's when I started self-harm as my way of “relief” instead of ending it then and there. Not only would I do self-harm, but I would also starve myself. That went on for a while and it got worse as time passed.

In 2020, I was still a mess and when quarantine started, I progressively got worse. I never really had anybody around that time and that's also how I knew who were my friends and who weren’t. I struggled by myself and I didn’t even bother calling for help anymore. I stopped calling for help when people called me an attention-seeker while all I wanted was for them to help me stop creating scars on my body and stop me from having another suicide attempt, but they never cared.

2020 was the lowest point in my life and I hated how, when I mentioned to people that I wasn't okay, they would tell me how I'm just like every teenager wanting to be depressed. That's when I really stopped caring for anything because I felt like I could win this battle by myself.

At the end of that year, my mom had found out what I was doing and I know she felt a little disappointed but she finally listened to me and got me the help I needed. I got referred to therapists and was sent to a mental hospital for a couple days and I hated it. I didn't know how that was supposed to help me and it never did help me. It just made me miserable.

Some therapy sessions worked and made me feel a little better about myself. I had to leave therapy after a couple months because I felt like I didn't need it anymore. I was doing okay, but I knew those mood swings could turn on at any moment and make me how I was again.

Now fast-forwarding to the middle of 2022. The year was starting off okay. I was happy with my friends and was making good memories with them. Then my life came crashing down. My now ex-best friend decided to cut me off and it hurt me because she was all I had when I needed someone to talk to. Then I had gotten out of a bad relationship and more family problems. Those things caused me to relapse on self-harm just when I thought I could finally overcome it. It was terrible being alone when I had nobody again. Eventually though, I got over it. It didn't bother me anymore that my friend left me or I left a relationship because I felt better off without them. 

And here I am now. I feel happier than ever and even if I don’t have people by my side or not many friends, it doesn't bother me. I finally found myself again and I would never want to try and change that again. I never know if I will have a manic episode one day unexpectedly and I know that I may still have depression, but I fought against it. I'm glad I did because if I didn't, I wouldn't be here now. 

You should always help one another when they really need it, like I did.

For The Warrior Times, this is Alexa Ayala.