Valuing myself

By Minh-Anton D

Finding value in myself when I was younger was tough. Friends were my hearthstone when I was younger. The final stone to my arch. In turn, I put my validation for myself in them, as though I was doing something right every time people were nice to me. I depended on these interactions I had with them as approval for myself. A screwed-up perception of my value in that people were able to control it.

As time went on, I got less and less interactions with them and in turn, I got less validation. I felt like I was hollow and worthless and it led to myself clinging onto whatever interactions I could get with my friends, good or bad.

When they finally dropped me as friends, my world collapsed. I no longer had interactions with them. I felt like I was unworthy of validation and my perception of how I valued myself plummeted.

Soon enough, I realized that something was wrong with me. I felt so unhappy about where I was because there was nothing special about me. I had nothing to talk about with friends and instead talked about other people and their business. It drained me so much because I wasn’t giving myself enough attention but pouring so much of it into other people for no reason.

So I hunkered down and focused on myself. I meditated and realized that happiness is seen. I had always thought happiness was something you had to earn, to conquer and grasp it. But it had been in front of me the whole time.

To propel my happiness, I baked. I made things ranging from sourdough, cream puffs, croissants, panettone, and even a beef Wellington. I was able to express myself wholeheartedly. I was able to digress it through a form of baking and even better, I could eat my satisfaction away afterwards.

Soon enough, I became secure in baking as in knowing that I finally had something interesting about me. Something I could talk about rather than the latest drama with some irrelevant person.

I finally found value in myself. Enjoying simple moments with me such as baking, talking with myself, and even shopping with myself. I used to depend so much on people interacting with me to get that value but I have gone through enough to realize that that is not true.

Although sometimes, I still find myself basing my value on my friends and talking about other people’s drama. I realize that using everything that I have gone through such as what I have meditated through, seen, and baked, it all gives me strength. The necessary strength to keep on going. At the end of the day, I have learned to value myself through myself and no one else. And that is all that matters.

For the Warrior Times, this is Minh-Anton Do.