A Work in Progress

By David M

I always thought that I never met the masculine qualities. I never enjoyed doing physical activities; for example, sports like soccer and basketball. But the main thing was that I wasn’t strong like the boys my age. I never looked strong like them. This led to me thinking that my body was the main thing that impacted how people view me.

Before school became progressively more difficult, my family would always take my brother and me to Mexico every summer vacation or winter break to visit my dad’s side of the family. And every time my aunts would come to my grandmother’s house, they always referred to me as “flaco,” meaning skinny in Spanish. This soon became a nickname that most of my family on both sides would call me. As a naive child, I didn’t care much about it until I got older.

When I started attending school, the same mindset was carried. I didn’t care what others would think of me but this was probably because all of our brains were growing similarly. There was this time when I decided to wear shorts for the first time, and one of my classmates came up to me and said that my legs were skinny. I still didn’t care about these sorts of comments at the time but after elementary school, these comments led to me having an insecurity.

During the pandemic, we had to learn through Zoom. For most of it, I didn’t care that we had to learn through the computer. If anything, I liked that I didn't have to wake up extra early because of the time needed for the car ride. The only problems were that I am much more of a visual learner rather than vocal learner. However, PE was the subject that made me feel negative.

When we had to perform exercises in front of the teacher, I didn’t want to show my skinny legs to the rest of the class. My teacher would go from student to student, which made me imagine all the students looking at my square. But because I wanted a good grade, I still performed the exercise despite not wanting to show my body to the class.

The transition between online to in-person learning was a hard time for me. Just like PE, I didn’t feel comfortable with people seeing me, most specifically my arms. So when school started, I wore hoodies every single day to hide my arms. Even on the hottest days, I still went through the day with a hoodie.

For winter break, my parents decided to take us to Mexico for the first time in years. We went to celebrate my cousin’s quinceañera. There was this moment where we had to carry the tables and chairs. My older cousins, my brother, and uncle carried. I remember myself trying to carry a table and my uncle would ask me if I’m able to do it. I said yes and he simply just said ”okay.” Even though I went on with my thing, that comment still stayed with me.

This comment further made me think about how my body influences the way people see me and how they overlook what I’m capable of doing. It even pained me more that my family members, people who I loved, would say these sorts of comments. I knew that they meant well. However, I felt weak and useless when my uncle asked me that question.

Unfortunately, my story doesn’t end with an ideal happy ending. However, being able to write about this topic made me realize that everything is in “progress.” Just because a new iPhone gets released doesn’t mean that there isn’t another one in progress waiting to come out. Each iPhone is a work in progress. Just like my body.

Ever since I told my brother about my insecurity, he offered to work out with me. Even though it’s hard at first mainly due to it being my first time, I still manage to have a great time because of him. We have our laughs and talks. Overall, it’s a great bonding experience between the two of us. Although I still feel insecure about my body, I know that it’s just a phase and through time, I’ll finally learn to accept my body for how it is.

For The Warrior Times, this is David Monroy.