Embedded Files
Banner image credit: Navi Granado
By Navi G
I am a Foilsick fool.
What is Foilsick, you may ask? Writer John Koenig describes it as “feeling ashamed after revealing a little too much of yourself to someone. Allowing them too clear a view of your pettiness, your anger, your cowardice, your child-like vulnerability, and it's wishing that you didn't have a deep disdain for who you actually think you are.” From his book, The Dictionary Of Obscure Sorrows.
The reason why I consider myself a Foilsick fool is because I don't know when to stop oversharing everything about myself to someone I’ve only maybe met a minute ago. Every part of my life was shared clearly like a child's book. Like the fact I like lots of hugs because of the neglect I experienced or I never believed in school because I wanted to care for my family first. Every adult who has ever come to know me that I trust knows the string line of my story down to every detail in my memory or that I lied through my teeth to seem more interesting to ensure they wouldn’t leave me without a second thought.
Source: Navi Granado
I tell everything to my teachers, hoping and wishing that maybe they would care what I have to share with them. Hoping to find comfort for the trauma, the pain, and the hurt that little me should have never endured because sitting here now, I sit with random heartaches whenever I think about any small altercation and how I can change myself so that altercation never happens again and I get along with everyone.
They have to deal with their own students and kids of their own. For some, they focus on themselves and for some, they focus on their love life with their partner. So why should they have to deal with someone that they aren't legally responsible for except for the one class? I sometimes feel like a burden because of everything I force upon them.
Photo credit: Jenni Granado
From my mother’s words, she has said I've been a sponge since I was young. I was in the 2nd grade, worried about being on the street with my mom and far away from my grandma and my papa and of course, the first person I sought after was my 2nd grade teacher, Ms. Vicky. I didn’t seek after my mom, or any of my family members, in fear of being yelled at or told “you're just a kid, you don't have to worry about that, but your mom does.” I loved my mom so growing up, I felt like the issue.
The source of the problem, if you will. Just existing tests others' endurance, and not knowing how to express my emotions entirely becomes another problem. When I become too happy, it becomes destructive. My outlet for happiness was always destruction. I was never taught to just relieve happiness by any healthy means. I'll bite and scar my arms and legs; I'll throw small stuffed animals at the door, then go pick them up and apologize as if they were alive. Then I'll sit there with them. But, I know who I can go to, those who listen to my story, the very people I feel comfortable with, and they just so happen to be my teachers.
Ms. Yee, Ms. Chilin, Ms. Munoz, Mike,
Ms. Park, Ms. Aayesha, and Mr. Tsai.
All of these adults are ones I know I could go to in my time of sadness, crisis, and especially moments of happiness. They're the ones who listen to my story. I can't help but be foilsick, but at least I can admit to it and it brings me comfort knowing there's a word for what I experience and I'm not the only one experiencing it.
Photo credit: Benjamin Rios
I know now I'm not alone anymore. I learned maybe I'm not the problem and sometimes, it's just a call for help.
Photo credit: Navi Granado
For the Warrior Times, this is Navi Granado.
(Yerba Buena’s Foilsick Fool <3)
Google Sites
Report abuse