Music over scars

Minor TW/CW: brief mention of self-harm

By Ruby F

For as long as I can remember, music has always been a part of my life and a way to cope with everything.

One of my earliest memories of this was always getting in some sort of trouble in my daycare. I was usually put in the corner, but while I sat there in my tears, I always sang a little song I made up in the moment.

When I was around 10, my mental health was at its lowest. Getting close to reaching a breaking point, I was given a ukulele from my mother. Now at first, it was tricky, dramatically hard now thinking of it. But soon, I began to study chords and practice each day for hours on end. I became pretty good. I found myself leaning to my ukulele whenever something was wrong.

Now carrying on about a year or two, this is when I developed an interest in playing guitar. I had a girl from 8th to 7th grade play guitar amazingly. I became obsessed with the sound of the strings everytime she strummed. I studied the way she moved her fingers. When I first heard her play the chords of “Nothing Else Matters - Metallica,” it inspired me to truly play.

That's long gone from where I am now. But graduating middle school and being more alone, (especially during quarantine) made it a little tougher on trying to learn. Eventually, I mastered the f chords and soon, my fingers and hands were already getting used to the placements. With my skill levels with playing guitar around 14/15, I started to take it much more seriously.

Playing guitar requires you to play songs, right? So my music taste expanded. When I was younger, there was a song I couldn't remember the name of, only the lyrics. It was from The Book Of Life version of “Creep.“ With all jokes aside, finding the song and the band (Radiohead), I felt almost like someone heard me at the time.

With lyrics like, “I don't care if it hurts, I want to have control. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul,” I felt something to relate to. Something to find comfort in other than my depression and self-harm.

This is why music is extremely important in my life. Even though it’s funny to some, but to me, in a way, “Creep” saved me from this wall of depression I built around myself. And just like discovering this whole new side of the rock genre, I fell into a rabbit hole of listening to everything from Slipknot to The Smiths.

Discovering this whole other world of music, it gave me a sense of euphoria. On top of learning my favorite songs like “Everlong - Foo Fighters,” playing it yourself is hauntingly beautiful.

Around 2020 and 2022 my skills began to excel, playing a few of the same songs yet learning new ways to improve it.

And this is the time where my motivation towards my guitar also appeared in better helping myself. I started to recognize things more than just my guitar playing skills. I saw myself, my feelings, the way I was, the ways I have been. And on my journey of all these discoveries, I finally took the therapy I needed seriously. Then and now, I'm still continuing to work on myself with the help of my guitar.

It feels like a mysterious omen guiding me to light, the way music and guitar has made an impact on my life and helping better myself. And hopefully, it will help others going through the same as well.