A Constant Mental War

By David M

Have you ever been in a situation where you’re in a constant state of fight or flight mode?

The flight or flight response (also known as the hyperarousal or acute stress response) occurs when an individual is in the presence of something horrifying, whether it's mental or physical. This response is triggered by releasing hormones that prepare the body to either flee to safety or confront the threat.

When I begin to feel anxious or start to freak out, my body begins to warm up, especially my ears. According to Michah Abraham, a scientist who specializes in Psychology and lead content writer/editor for CalmClinic, states “The most common explanation for why anxiety leads to body temperature changes is your body's fight or flight response. This is the mechanism that is designed to keep you safe from harm. Those with anxiety have a misfiring fight/flight response, and one of the consequences is vasoconstriction, where your blood vessels narrow. This may cause the body to heat up very quickly.” Most of the time, vasoconstriction occurs when we are out in the cold and our body begins to warm up.

Now, it could just be anxiety, but it seems like I have been dealing with this for a long time.

I have always been quiet throughout my school life. On every report card, my teachers would always leave a comment basically saying: “A little too quiet but good student overall.” My family members and friends say the same thing. Out of all the children my mom and her siblings had in total, my brother and I are the most quiet. I’m just a little bit more social. Not to insult my brother but I’m also insulting myself, we talk like robots. Always giving quick responses to people who talk to us. I try to slow down but it ends up feeling more awkward. Not only that but mentally, I have the brain of an old man. Well, not really, but I’m not well-versed with the topics/slangs that people my age know about. 

I’m not sure when this could’ve started but I believe that it began when I was in the fourth grade. Just to give some context, my parents always raised me to be the “good kid” in school. This meant that I would always be responsible for all of my work when it came to school and that I would always respect my teachers and classmates. However, because of this, I occasionally stressed out when I was a little close to getting in trouble. Even though it was the “yellow” area which meant a warning, I cried when I moved my name to that area on a behavior chart when I was in first grade.

It’s not only me who was raised like this, my older brother Daniel was also raised the same way. I’m assuming that my parents saw how well my brother was doing so they raised me the exact same way.

As much as being the “good kid” in school may sound, it doesn’t come without negative outcomes. Ever since I started kindergarten, I walked through the gates with the mindset of pleasing my teachers. But it wasn’t just them who I wanted to please but also the other kids in my grade. I was so afraid of displeasing them that at times, I did things that I knew I shouldn’t have done and didn’t want to do. Now, these weren’t serious things but because I was so scared to displease my friends, my anxiety began to grow.

Just as I briefly stated, I believe that all of this began when I was in the fourth grade. My class was doing an art project where we finger-painted pictures of birch trees with autumn-themed leaves. My friend who at the time was my groupmate started to freak out because something about his art piece didn’t seem right. I kept on telling him that it did not matter, which was very inconsiderate of me. My friend started to cry, which caught the attention of the rest of the class. Before my teacher went up to the table, I got up to wash my paintbrush. When I turned around, I saw my teacher and most of the class surrounding my friend. I was scared, thinking that I might get in trouble. 

This drew my friend and I apart for a bit. He didn’t do anything harmful; however, the way he would always look at me with resentment in his eyes instantly raised my anxiety to the point where I began to cry. My teacher would pull me out into the hallway to ask me what was wrong, but I didn’t want to blame my friend. 

Fortunately for my friend and I, we were able to make up and we talk to each other to this day. He lives in Hawaii but distance doesn’t keep us from calling each other. However, this period of school left an impact on my mental health.  

Throughout my school years, I had to deal with this, which wasn’t pleasant. I hated that I couldn’t just speak out loud. However, I knew that even if I did, I would still stutter. 

I remember doing a project for my English class. We had to come up with an ecological proposal. When all of the groups were ready to present, before presenting we had to decide who was going to discuss a certain aspect of our proposal. All I did was read our proposal, thinking that was the only thing I had to do. But that wasn’t all. I had to get up and answer questions, which wasn’t a bad thing. However, the question that was given to me was difficult to answer. 

Fast-forward to the present day, I still have trouble speaking with other people because of fear of embarrassing myself. Fortunately, for me and others who struggle with personal problems, there’s such a thing as coping mechanisms. My brother who dealt with stress before said that taking deep breaths always calmed him down. 

Daniel: “To be honest, for me, I just like to take deep breaths in and out.”

In addition, I began to start putting my mental health over school work. Younger me probably wouldn’t have done this as school was important to my parents and myself. And it still is, but I have to remind myself that before anything else, my health, whether that be mental, emotional, or physical, should always come first. 

I hope that sooner or later, I’ll be able to express myself without worrying about what others think of me. 

For the Warrior Times, this is David Monroy.