Seeking Approval

By Kayla P

Are you a people pleaser? 

The phrase “people pleaser” means “a person feels a strong urge to please others, even at their own expense,” according to Medical News Today. 

Some may relate to the phrase and others, not so much. For me, this phrase is split in the middle. If I am passionate about something or really like something, of course I will remain with the same opinion. For some odd reason, if something isn’t serious, I’d just go with my peer’s opinion. 

For example, if the class had to make a decision, I either would have raised my hand for the option that had the most hands up or wouldn’t have raised my hand at all.

Julie Corona, a student at Yerba Buena High School, feels the same towards being a “people pleaser.” She feels as if she’d be judged for liking something different than her peers. I recently got the opportunity to interview her. 

Julie: “Yeah, I really don’t have a specific example for this but again, I usually or sometimes when I feel the need to, I change my personality around people and I feel like if they start talking about their likes and interests, I feel like in order for them to like me, I have to agree with them even though I have no idea what they’re talking about.”

A personal experience I can use with this phrase goes way back one or two years ago when my class played a game. My classmates and I were required to step inside a circle if one of our teacher’s questions applied to us personally. To be honest, I basically just stepped inside if it applied to one of my classmates as well. Yet, if it did apply to me and just a few of my peers entered the circle, I would have just stayed outside.

I guess just the fear of being judged somewhat stops me from doing some things. 

Another common thing I face is seeking validation. I find it difficult to make choices or how to feel based on my peer’s feelings or opinions. All I want is to make the right decision.

I sometimes think, What if I was more outgoing? Would I still have the same mindset? I would describe myself as a shy person; an introvert. But, what would happen if I was an extrovert? 

While having the chance to interview Corona, an introvert herself, I did end up getting her input on this thought. 

Julie: “I guess extroverted people tend to have more confidence so I guess they can have their own or they’re able to have their own opinions and thoughts about specific things without feeling the need to seek validation from others. And me being I guess kind of an introvert, I seek validation from almost everybody.”

I can’t imagine myself now or in the future being more outgoing, honestly. It’s hard right now just raising my hand or speaking publicly in a room in front of people I don’t know. Truthfully, speeches in front of my class fear me the most.

I can recall my first ever speech that happened around a year ago. It was the first class of the day and I prepared myself for this day for weeks. I remember after I had chosen my topic, I got to see everyone else’s and regretted choosing that topic because everyone else’s was different from mine. Everybody else’s was a public problem. But for me, I chose something more personal. I feared that people would judge me for talking about myself so I panicked.

The day of the speech, I thought I was ready but clearly, I wasn’t. As soon as I walked up to the front of the classroom and saw all these eyes staring back at me, that’s when I knew. All the extra words I have practiced to add onto the words written on my flashcards have disappeared from my mind. Instead, I speedily read word by word off my flashcards and didn’t have the chance to make eye contact with anyone but what I was holding in my hands. All I wanted to do was go back to my seat. 

Am I going too fast? Should I look up? How many minutes have passed? Am I being judged? These thoughts were traveling through my mind the whole time. The fear of being judged was taking over. I wanted it to be perfect or at least the bare minimum, good.

I am currently taking notes for my next speech in another class that will happen next week. Instead of going off-script like last time, I instead learnt from my mistakes and now prepared myself to make the presentation go smoothly.

Even though fear takes over like the need for approval, I’m going to keep learning from my errors to ensure nothing bad like that speech could repeat. 

I still have a long way to go with my future and more mistakes are to come. But hopefully one day I can present or say something without the fear of being judged. 

For the Warrior Times, I am Kayla Phan.