Yin and yang

By Nicole Q

It's a hot sunny afternoon, I'm walking home with my friends, laughing and joking without a worry in the world. We all slowly go our separate ways to our homes, ready to play video games and eat with our family. I breathe in the air. I look at my surroundings as always and make my way up our front porch. The door wide open in view, I see the back sliding door open as well. I immediately hear my mom and baby sister in the kitchen. My mom is finishing dinner, and my sis is making a mess running around. I hear the garage open and my stepdad walks into the kitchen though our laundry room with flowers in hand ready to embrace my mom. 

It was vivid memories like this I realized later on I should've appreciated more. Unexpectedly, January 15, 2019, my mom, step-dad and baby sister were in an unfortunate car accident and passed away. 

I had just turned thirteen. It's crazy to believe four years have passed since then. To me it feels like an eternity. It hurt for a long time and still does. 

Before I found out, I already knew something horrible happened deep down. I had tried messaging my mom many times with no response, just updating her when I got home and that I ate. Soon after I messaged my sister that I was worried and scared. The next day, my older brother Brian picked me and my brother Fernando up to go to Fremont. 

The whole way there, the reality of what was going on hit me and I blacked out and was basically unconscious of my surroundings. 

Being told the news felt like a dream. I didn't want to talk to anyone and I was mad at everyone. I didn't want to believe them and accept the reality of what happened. Even after their passing and funeral, I was able to see how people truly loved and respected my family by how many people showed up. 

It was unbelievable and nerve-wracking to me, it made me self conscious at the moment knowing they were all going to talk to me. The receptionist even told me they've never had so many people to the point where they had to stand and stay in the hall. 

I saw a lot of family friends and was always worried about how they were feeling. I was very devastated, I couldn't help them feel better and felt at fault. I remember always thinking I could have done something for them when in reality, I couldn't.

I soon found out why people say things get worse before they get better. I moved around a lot the first year and didn't feel appreciated where I lived at the moment. I felt mistreated most of the time by my dad's girlfriends and hated going home. Soon after, I moved because my auntie knew we weren't happy and changed that for us but were soon kicked out. We moved in with my favorite auntie Chapis. She's really like my mother figure. 

I never had a close relationship with my father. One can say he wasn't ready to be a parent when we came along but he really didn't have a choice. To me, it feels like he never fully comprehended everything my brother and I went through, but that's okay. He said things that hurt a lot and didn't let us see loved ones. I tried to see where he's coming from and his perspective of wanting us to be safe.

My mother was a very bright person. She knew when something was wrong and how to help you feel better. She was also a very giving person and was always happy to help anyone in need. I remember her always having her head up and making the best out of everything. We didn’t have a lot growing up but she did her best to keep us happy. 

Fernando (my brother) gave me a glimpse of how he viewed our mother.

Fernando: “I remember our mother as very loving and caring and I also remember her as being very mentally strong.”

She always made us eat healthy without us noticing, especially quinoa. Sneaking in veggies but not so often only for my baby sis. Not to mention she made the best food and loved to cook new foods we've never tried. It's one of the things that people mention when they run into us: “Oh, your mother made the best food, I wish I could try it again.” My favorite was her chicken chipotle enchiladas.

Fernando: “She taught me that a lot of the times in this world, people were not gonna be there for you—a lot of the time, you should counter yourself and you should always keep your head up. That's what I saw her do all the time.”

My stepdad Javier was also very kind-hearted and treated us as his own kids. He guided me as I learned to ride my bike and picked me up when I fell. He was a bit more rough on my brother but he taught him to be patient and control his emotions. He had two distinct tattoos that I wanted to ask him about but wasn't able to: dolphin and la Virgen Maria.

Fernando: “Javier influenced me to be better by just owning up to things, you know?  Like admitting when I was wrong, admitting when I was doing something wrong, he showed me how to do better. He showed me the right way and he taught me a lot of things: how to be patient, how to not let my anger and my emotions take over, and you know, he had a tendency to do that.”

I always asked my mom stupid questions as kids do and once asked her if she ever wanted to get a tattoo. She told me she would get a yin yang. I told her I would tattoo her once I got better at drawing.

My little sister Cielo was very desmadrosa and was always playing. She had a lot of energy for her young age and she would've been a bad little kid. She was a very happy baby and she’ll always live in my heart. Her birthday recently passed, March 22. It would've been her 6th birthday. Sometimes when I see little kids, I think of her, but I feel it's better she's with my mom and stepdad. It would've been hard for her if she was here with us.

Although their passing still hurts, the wound has had some time to heal and I've learned to let them live through me. I’ll never let their memories die and be forgotten and I'll use everything they taught me to become a better person inside and out. 

Living life can be a challenge with all the hardships and obstacles put in our way. I’d just like to remind whomever reads this story that

It will be okay.

It's okay to cry and express yourself.

It's okay to not know what you're feeling.

It's okay to quit or give up, just remember to pick yourself back up because if you stay down for too long, it's gonna be difficult to get back up. You might not be able to make the pain go away but you can learn to live with it and make peace with the past. If you don’t forgive or let go, it can consume you for the worst.

Live life to the fullest with no regrets.                                                                                                 

For the Warrior Times, this is Nicole Suzeth Quintero.