approaching

By Vanessa F

If you were to ask me about my mom, I could tell you a lot about her. I knew where she grew up, what her life was like, and even little anecdotes such as her owning a rooster that was actually really nice, until her brothers made it hostile by attacking it one too many times.

But, if you were to ask me about my dad, I’d have no clue what to say to you. Growing up, he wasn’t open emotionally. Due to him working, then coming home to drink himself to sleep, I hardly talked to him. I was afraid to. He was always angry. Despite living in the same household my entire life, I could tell you where he worked, but not what he did exactly. He loves the Dallas Cowboys and the Dodgers, and prefers the Lakers over the Warriors. I know that he has two kids from a previous marriage, my older brother and sister. But that pretty much summed it up entirely. 

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve also gotten more curious about him. I finally figured out what he does at work; he is the head of maintenance. He really likes action movies, like the Fast and Furious series, Rocky and Creed movies, music by Vicente Fernandez—especially El Rey. I hear him play it all the time. Pushing boundaries that we both had created, mine coming from fear and his coming from as a way to protect himself, I got some answers. But, I still wanted more. I wouldn’t have dared to ask him to take me home from school, watch a tv series together, and to watch me spar at my gym a couple of years ago. I didn’t like to rely on him like that, because I didn’t want to be disappointed.

Still, I walk on glass stepping stones, with one wrong turn leading me all the way back to my childhood home, where our relationship was more like a greeting of a random family member who says, “I remember you, I used to change your diapers!” Despite these fears, I still decided to traverse the unknown.

I always wondered what his life is like, what experiences have stayed with him in his 56 years of living. I knew that there had to be something. What even made him so closed off in the first place? What kinds of experiences has he been through? What funny stories does he keep in his mind, still as fresh as the day it happened? With all of these questions, I finally gained the confidence to talk to him.

Breaking the barrier between us, I opened up to him a few months ago. We both sat down at our kitchen table. During my Quincenera, he had only been there for the beginning of it. When we were singing Happy Birthday, I noticed that he wasn’t there, and my mom told me that he went across the street to the liquor store for a beer. In the moment of my birthday party, I wasn’t surprised. That’s just how he is. Thinking about it later, though, was really tough. It hurt me a lot. He couldn’t abstain from drinking for only two hours? I told him how much it had affected me, that he wasn’t there. It felt like he didn’t prioritize me. I just wanted some kind of resolution, an apology, or a promise to change—anything, really. With the help of my mom, I finally learned something about his past, and my grandfather. 

My grandfather was an alcoholic. He drank all the time, and was physically abusive towards my dad, my grandmother, and my dad’s siblings. I remember him telling me he would hit them for any little reason. That was hard for my dad, especially being the oldest, he felt a need to protect them. Once he became a teenager, he had to fight off his own dad, in order to protect his mom and siblings.

Slowly, I put together the pieces. Pieces that told me why my dad acted the way he did. I mean, how could I blame him, really, for how he acts now? At the end of the conversation, he did apologize. We both cried and hugged each other. After this, we did become a bit closer than before, but I wanted to get even closer.

After this conversation, my curiosity grew notably. What more stories and secrets was he keeping in his head? I still held back from asking more questions, until I spoke with him recently to interview him for this story.

My dad’s high school days pretty much consisted of playing football and hanging out with his friends. He really enjoyed this part of his life, despite his father’s actions. After high school, he had other plans.

Dad: “At first, I thought I wanted to join the army. But my dad wouldn't let me. And then after high school, I just started working with your grandpa doing construction. Like my dad used to tell me, 'Pay attention in school or else you're going to be doing what I do.' So that's what I ended up doing. It wasn't too bad. I liked working with my hands, it's actually pretty fun.”

I had also wondered about his first family, before mine. Now working at Hancock Fabrics as a stock boy, he met his first wife while she was working as a cashier. After getting married to his now ex-wife, he ran into complications.

Dad: “It was kinda hard. Their family always lived with me, and I really didn’t like that. Caused a lot of problems. We just weren’t getting along. All we did was fight. Towards the end, I just felt like she would go out, and leave me with the kids and come home late. I'm not gonna deal with that anymore. I kinda figured she's probably seeing somebody else, anyways.”

Being divorced is always a hard obstacle to overcome, even if you saw it coming. My dad was no exception to this. After divorce, he felt depressed. But, his kids stayed with him at his house, and eventually, he got over it.

After being divorced for a while, he got set up on a blind date with my mom. He remembers it being awkward, especially after being out of the “dating game” for a long time.

Dad: “I remember, our first date, we hardly ever said anything to each other. It was awkward for both of us. It was a blind date so we really didn’t know each other. You show up, and sit at the table with a person you completely don’t know, you know. The Sabercats were on, I think. So I just kept watching the game… She wasn’t that bad, so I called her again, and we went out on a second date, and the rest was history. She wouldn’t leave me alone, so.”

Vanessa: “Yeah…I hear a different story. [Laughs].”

With his quietness, I considered it a miracle my mom decided to go on a second date with him, let alone get married too.

I had also wondered why he had more kids, considering how old my brother and sister were. By the time I was born, my brother was 18 and my sister was 17.

Dad: “Your mom talked me into it.”

Vanessa: “She was very convincing?”

Dad: “Yeah. At first, I was like, you know, 'cause I already had two older kids. I didn’t know if I wanted to go through that again. Worrying about where they are, their first date, learning how to drive, stuff like that. Time’s different than it was back then. People are a lot more meaner. You know. We talked about it, and we decided. Yeah, let’s try it. It worked out pretty good, I think.”

Vanessa: “Thank God it did, or else I wouldn’t be here!”

After having me and my brother, it did bring my parents closer, but along with two new babies, also came more conflict that was different from before. My parent’s relationship was always rocky throughout my childhood, always escaping divorce by the edge of their teeth, but never getting to that point. The pandemic also brought them even closer than before. Around two years ago, both of my parents decided to make changes to how they treated each other. My dad had the biggest change. He opened up more, and started to communicate better with me and my mom.

Dad: “I didn't wanna go through the same thing I went through with my older kids. I think communication and talking is very important. I enjoy taking you to boxing, it gives us a chance to talk.

Vanessa: “Even about like, stupid stuff?”

Dad: “Anything is good to talk about, no matter what it is.”

Vanessa: “I like telling you about little drama, I think it’s funny.”

Dad: “I think it's funny too, how dumb your friends are sometimes.”

Despite the many things we still have to work on, me and my dad are building a bond together. Telling him about my day, stupid stuff that I talk about with my friends, a game that I played, are some of the many things that I now tell him. He does the same, telling me about his co-workers, the shenanigans that the tenants in the apartments are up to, his interests; lately, he talks to me about The Last of Us a lot. He really liked the show. We watched it together, and anticipate watching the second season together. I look forward to not only watching it with him, but to how much more I will learn about him, and get to know him better in the future.