Clarity

By Destiny A

Lately, I've been struggling with my identity. Who am I? What's my name? Is it Destiny Alvarez or Destiny Torres? On January 7, 2006, a tiny girl was born. Her name was Destiny Jazmin Torres. On November 30, 2012, her name was changed to Destiny Jazmin Alvarez. That tiny girl is me, and it might not seem like a huge change, or so I thought. But growing up hearing different stories about the day I was born made me think otherwise. Why did my whole identity change when I was six? 

Growing up for one week with my mom and one week with my dad wasn't easy. I grew up with many questions popping in my mind that I felt I couldn't ask anyone, and when I did ask, I was told two different stories. My family on my mom's side said my dad wasn't in my life until I was 5. I felt neglected and cast out. But on my dad's side, I was told he had been there since the first day; it was my mom who didn't want him in my life. I felt betrayed, lied to.

As I grew older, I realized that it didn't add up; I needed the truth. It didn't make sense to me how at the doctor's, I was called Torres and at school, I was Alvarez. I've been going through a really tough time lately; I felt like I'd lost who I truly was until I asked people in my family for a bit of help. I was too scared to tell them that I felt lost, but without telling them, my uncle changed my whole perspective, along with my stepdad, Tony, and grandma. They each said:

Beto: “You’re a nice girl, like I said, you're a good friend, a good daughter for all I know and you're always behaving as far as I know or you try to behave and you care about the people that love you.” 

Tony: “When I first saw you, it was like wow, beautiful baby, a lot of potential, looks just like her mother and she is gonna be somebody. Just had the high hopes and the best wishes then in that moment. It was just like a realization like 'wow.' This is what the life cycle's all about, you know, that's how my father seen me when I was born.” 

Grandma: “Pretty, intelligent, smart girl. Kind, hard-headed sometimes…Pues eres tú, you're unique, eres única.” (Translation: Well, you're you, you're unique, you're one and only.)

Hearing these words come from the people I love and hearing them describe me made me realize that my last name doesn't define me; whether my last name be Alvarez or Torres, I'm still Destiny. I'm still everything my family described me as. Not only that, but the people surrounding me.

And I'm grateful for everyone I love, especially my dad Tony, although I might not be his by blood, he never made me feel less than.

Tony: “My daughter, when we were, you know, getting you from the hospital to the house, I even told your mother to put my last name so you could be mine.”

I may not know where I stand now with my last name, but I know now that my last name doesn't define me. Although I haven't gotten full clarity from my biological father, I got the clarity I needed to move forward. My dad wasn't there, and that's okay. At the time I found all this out, I felt like it was my fault, like I didn't belong to anyone, but now knowing this, I don't belong to anyone; I belong to myself. I go beyond biology; I expand with love.

I’m me with or without a last name and I'm me as long as I have my family and loved ones beside me, so a toda mi familia los amo, y yo se que no lo digo siempre pero si los amo. (Translation: to all my family, I love you, and I know I don't always say it but I do love you all.) 

For the Warrior Times, this is Destiny.