One step towards being myself

By Ryan L

In today’s world, almost everyone has some type of worry, or a creeping thought in the back of their mind that makes you conscious of what others think about you. And those thoughts carry on to other parts of your life in the form of what you post, say, and the actions you take. For myself, I’m still trying to break that barrier between the “ideal” me and the “real” me. 

Since elementary school, I was always a crazy-ish type of person. My personality would usually involve me doing silly and often-times ridiculous things. Grace, one of my old friends is someone that could definitely tell you about the type of things I did back then…

Grace Tran: “You signed up for student council president as a joke, and then you got it! So then everyone who actually wanted it was like 'bro, this kid hangs out with second-graders and he got it…'”

For example, my little mistake of running for student council president in 6th grade as a joke, but then winning. Or the time I wore a maid outfit to school in 8th and… 9th grade! Even now, I made a lot of jokes that others perceive to be weird and outlandish (probably because they are...). From an outside point of view, my personality and the type of guy I am seems to stay constant, weird, crazy, and a little loud. 

But, the keyword here is “from an outside point of view.” From my perspective, I’m more than the carefree guy. Often times, I feel a pressure to keep up this facade of me that communicates to everyone that I’m “outgoing and carefree.” So many thoughts and notions circle through my head: “If I show them that I like this, what would they think of me? I want to say this but is it out of character?” 

For me personally, 6th grade was when I really struggled with being pressured by others. In hindsight, I said and did a lot of harmful things in 6th grade that looking back on now, was a phase of me that I never want to happen again. And one person on the receiving end of my actions was Andre. 

Andre Nguyen: “I feel like they put an influence on you and that really made you think that saying this blah, blah, blah was cool. Like, 'oh, I want to fit in, I’m so cool for saying slurs and whatever.'”

At that point in time, I had no regard for others people’s feelings. I would say many things online and in real life that hurt a lot of people’s feelings. And that ruined a lot of my relationships with other people. I was toxic and mean, which caused others to fall out with me. I didn’t really the extent of my harm until I got “cancelled” online. I was faced with the cold hard consequences of my actions, but still I was not changing. The people I was hanging out with were the root problem, but quarantine had perfect timing and that was when I was able to change. 

Going into quarantine, I was full of mixed feelings. Would I be able to see my friends? How would I keep the connection? And truth be told, it was really hard for me to keep that connection with my elementary friends, especially the… problematic ones. But drifting apart from them was what enabled me to find new hobbies and friends.

And one friend group that helped me to grow during this period was phrogs! Although the name seems a little strange, our little green safe haven allowed us to all find comfort in each other in a time filled with uncertainty and hardships. Also, they managed to positively influence me in a way that never would have been possible in my old friend group. 

Andre Nguyen: “I feel like you found better people to be around with and the people you hang out with helped you matured a lot because they watch out for your mouth. Like you know when to stop, you know, like this is not right.”

But more importantly, I took a step closer towards being myself. And that was the closest I felt to being loved and cherished for who I am. It was idyllic, but it did not last long. As 7th grade came to a close, the comfort of our closed and never-changing friend group was interrupted by the arrival of in-person school. And yet again, I was forced to keep up that “facade.” 

Grace Tran: “The people you hang out with, you're more of yourself, but at the same time, you sometimes act like someone completely different because you're afraid of what other people think of you.”

As we continued into 8th grade, the problem still persisted. But, it was less intense than 6th grade and before. Although I wasn’t as connected to “phrogs” as I was before, I was still able to be myself around those that I hold close. And that brings us to the present. Now, I’m still scared, scared of just being me. But thankfully, as I meet new people and strengthen the bonds with those around me right now, I’ll slowly began to be myself.