Are you okay?

By Alysiana P

I'm nicer than I seem, I swear. I find myself repeating these words constantly, over and over on loop. People mistake me for who I really am and I'm starting to get confused. What do I look like to other people who approach me? 

One of my closest friends, Ifeoma, mentioned how difficult it was for her to approach me when we first met and confided in a friend for advice on how to talk to me. Upon hearing this I thought, there’s no way, in the basics, I'm the same as everyone else, an average-looking person. There should be nothing that interferes with the way people approach me. 

Ifeoma: “Okay, so basically, I was friends with Bianca for quite a while and I would see her with you so like, it was really 7th grade. 

Things like this happen a lot more often than I would like it to occur. People misunderstand small things from believing I'm an only child to believing I'm a mean person who would tell you off if you were to approach me. 

A few of the things I've repeatedly heard or been asked are, “Are you mad? “What's wrong?” “Are you okay?” “You look mad.” Not only that, but I see people hesitate a lot before choosing to ask me things as if they've never talked to me before. 

By the time I get to know people, I'd tell them it's a normal thing for me to look mad or upset if I'm relaxed or not doing anything. I get it from my mom, is what I'd tell them. In my eyes, she had the same resting face as me in certain aspects. 

That is, until I told my mom about how people struggle to approach me at times and told her I had gotten it from her. This was until she had told me she thought I got it more from my grandma on my dad's side of the family. I thought about this for a bit and had a realization that I've been wrong for a while now. 

She expressed that yes, in certain situations, she can look a lot more rude and different, though I must have taken it from my grandmother. I remember my reaction was dumbfounded. It was a small realization that left me silent for a bit. 

Ifeoma: “Okay, so approaching you, I was kinda scared 'cause you have like an RBF, you know, resting bitch face. I really thought you were in a mood, like you had a bad day 'cause your face looked like 'oh my god, I'm so over this, I wanna go home.'”

It seems dramatic, yeah, but I was so sure my genetics were coming through from my mom. I remembered my grandma in a brief moment how I'd be a bit nervous talking to her as a child. Nevertheless I loved my grandmother dearly and was so close to her, so with a resting face, while it made me nervous, never changed how I felt about her. 

This had me thinking for a while, how else do I appear to others? According to my friend Ifeoma, I had discovered there are others who see me in a similar aspect as she did. 

These instances don't occur with only friends. I get told this by others such as my family's coworkers, random people who walk by me in an attempt to ask for help, and others. 

With the knowledge of this, I seemed to have changed throughout the years and not only as a person, I seem to make an attempt to look nicer and more approachable to others, including Ifeoma, who is now a close friend of mine. 

Ifeoma: “Yes, 100%, all day everyday. I'm even craving a big mac right now but I love you though, I would probably trade whoever got you some hot cheetos for you back.”

I don't remember when this habit started, but now I catch myself doing this more often. Raising my eyebrows, a small difference that happens to make a huge change. 

This helps with a small part of my appearance, making me look less serious, tired, or in a bad mood as others would say. 

I shouldn't feel the need to change and that's why I catch myself doing it after a while. Putting them back down relieves small tension through my face, though it makes me more aware of the way I can look at people. 

I've learned to be fine with the information of me looking so tired all the time. I seem to like it a lot more. 

I grow more and more as a person and with these negative comments, I learn to make them into positive ones that I can incorporate into loving myself just a little more. I am not perfect when it comes to how I look or loving myself and I am sure it will never be, but I can grow from it. 

For the Warrior Times, this is Siana :)