My Open Heart

By Cat Ho

People say “You have a roof over your head, why aren’t you happy? Be grateful!” That’s not how I look at it. I mean, yes I do have a roof over my head but that doesn’t correlate with my feelings and what makes me happy. People can have a place to live in and yet some part in their life is still missing. That’s how I felt. 

Throughout my entire life starting from elementary school to around middle school, I have been alone. I had the same routine every single day, which I mean I didn’t really have a problem with, I just felt like I was alone even though my family would be there most of the time. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate them very much. They’ve done a lot. However, I just never really felt a sense of belonging. I’ve experienced betrayal after betrayal and the cycle would just go on. There was a point in my life where I was convinced I wouldn’t find anybody who would stay with me. I realized maybe I just have to wait. But for how long? Everybody has their person already, whether it’s a romantic relationship or just platonically. I figured that maybe I’m better off by myself. Until January 7th of 2024 came.

On January 7th 2024, I posted a poll on my Instagram story. It was just a debate of whether I should dye my hair burgundy red or not. I’m the type of person who is constantly checking who replied or not. I know I know, it’s bad but I can’t help it. Anyways, I checked what people said. My two options were “you only live once” and “go bald instead”. I saw a response from this one person named Jake who is in my PE class, and it’s not like we were complete strangers, we’ve had to communicate and interact with each other for some activies.

I replied to his option because he chose the alternative “go bald instead” so I commented a teasingly comment saying how that was rude. And from there, our conversations continued. We would just ask each other how we were doing. He would send multiple pictures of his dog, Willow which I thought was so cute. I still remember how it went like it was just yesterday. It actually sounds ridiculous because we bonded over a poll on social media. And yet, that’s my favorite part about it. You don’t need to physically see a person just to have a connection. Yes, we see each other and sure, we talk here and there. But it wasn’t just a feeling of “oh you’re in my class, I have to talk and work with you”, it was a feeling of “you’re here. I’ve never even had an actual conversation with you, but I really appreciate your presence.” That’s what it’s all about isn’t it?

There was this one moment I had with Jake that still gives me goosebumps because it felt like it came straight out of a romance or a comedy movie. It didn’t feel real. Almost everytime I think about it, I’d have to pinch myself because did that really just happen? It was a football unit for my class and we had to have a team to practice throwing the football around with. My partner was the one who was throwing the ball to me. Unfortunately, I literally can’t catch a ball for my dear life, so I kept on missing it. It kept on going over to the other team which Jake was on. And everytime I missed it, I would yell out, “I’m sorry!” and “thank you!” But he’d still throw it to me every single time. I would miss it again, as I ran over with heavy breaths, embarrassed. Like jesus, I really can’t catch. It rolled over to him, hitting his feet. Standing there, I would just smile awkwardly. 

“Again? This is the 4th time.” he chuckled. Throwing it back to me, with a grin on his face. My head wasn’t even focused anymore, I was so uptight, but I didn’t feel… humiliated. And once again, I would shout, “Sorry. Thanks again!” Running off to my partner as they laughed at me. But I wasn’t even focused on their chortles. My mind was just on him.

Jake: When I first met you… I thought you were cute and I really liked the way you talk, I liked the way you dress. And at first, I thought you were really funny. Those really stuck out to me.

As we conversed more and more each day, we realized that we enjoyed being in each other’s presence. It was comforting to know that there was going to be someone there, lending a hand if one of us needed help. Knowing how much we connected, I suddenly felt anxious. Anxious because I was just terrified that I was going to lose someone I felt so attached to. Days would pass and my questions would continue to spiral in my head if he was really going to stay around or I would be by myself all over again. 

Jake: Meeting you changed my life because I always have your company, and I can always talk to you. You always listen to me. And you know, I can just always have someone to talk to and have someone to have my back.

Both of us soon recgonized that we enjoyed reassuring each other. After time and time again, sometimes our words really make us feel safe. And that there is nothing to really worry about. Of course, you need to show with your actions as well. But giving each other the relief that everything’s going to be okay, that was a head start for our relationship.

Jake: A core value that I want people to know about our relationship is how we always reassure each other and that we’re just there for each other.

The more our relationship grew, the more I came to a revelation that sometimes you have to go through the cycle of loss, betrayal and grief to finally find your person. The relationships I lost really did hurt me in the beginning and I truly did believe it would never end. That the lonliness would stick with me. But at the end of day, I was still here. Living and wasn’t that all that mattered? Even though the pain impaired my heart that just wants to feel warmth, there was never a point in my life where I gave up on cherishing. And I’m proud of myself for that. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I know life is unfortunate. But I hope that if you ever felt the heavy nights of questioning why they abandoned you, you soon come to a realization, that that was never love.