My Angel

Content warning: story references suicide.

By Alexa A.

I was too caught up in my own mental health that I had forgotten other people also deal with issues of their own. It one was the lowest points in my life where I felt like I didn't belong anywhere with anyone because I couldn't make friends and I was too quiet to ever talk to anyone and i was so stressed with school work that I couldn't take it anymore and I cried so much because of the pressure I received everyday. And being too caught up in my own issues blinded me from noticing other people's issues. Like my grandpa’s.

Everything I remember about my grandpa is all just a memory now and sometimes a blur. He never showed signs of mental illness and he put a fake smile on his face for us so we wouldn't know he was hurting. 

My grandpa was amazing. He was kind, thoughtful, and funny. He always made jokes about how we were as our younger selves and made silly names for us.  He gave me rides to school when my mom couldn’t. He gave me money when I never needed or asked for it and he gave me and my siblings rides somewhere when we needed it most. He did so many great things not just for me but for his kids and grandkids.

He and my grandma lived with me and my family so they were always there when we needed them. They were both pastors of a church and as a child we all went for them so they knew we cared about our religion. Going to church and learning those bible verses for them meant so much to them. I loved making them proud and seeing them happy with what I learned for them and knowing someone was proud of me for something that I did just for them meant a lot to me and people also did anything to make him proud of his church and how it was turning out and seeing him happy made me happy.

Everyone can remember the good parts of his life but push the bad parts away. Nobody wants to remember the reason why he’s gone.

In mid December we found out my grandpa was doing inappropriate things that were never expected. Our entire family was ashamed of him that day and nobody wanted to be around him. The next day after finding everything out, it felt extremely off. Something felt wrong for everyone, not just me. I thought it would have been a normal day.

And then later that day on December 16 of 2022, I received the call that my grandpa had taken his life. My whole world came crashing down and I broke down in tears while having a panic attack. I didn’t know what to do and the staff wouldn't let me leave because there was a rally going on but I just wanted to get away and talk to someone and after about 15 minutes they finally let me talk to a counselor but I felt like I didn't get much support or help. 

My brother had informed me that my mom would be coming to pick up me and my sister and when she arrived she had been accompanied by police and my mom was sobbing when she saw me.

That was a very emotional moment to experience and I didn't stop crying even when I got home. My grandpa had passed away in our house so we weren’t allowed to go inside so I stood outside with a police officer and most of my family while we waited.

We were told to leave the area as it wasnt the best idea for us to be there while he was being taken away. I was still in shock and it didn't feel real to me or anyone.

The funeral was the hardest part ever. Our final goodbye. I got to see his face one last time and touch his cold hand. It sucked seeing him gone and seeing the slideshow of him happy with us. I wanted him back more than anything. It happened all too fast. I didn't know how to feel anymore other than just cry because now there is a huge hole in our family.

I knew this would affect me deeply and so I didn't come to school for the week of finals and never got to do it which affected my grades.

It’s been almost a year since he’s passed and I still miss him. I visit him every now and then just to say hi and talk about how I've been and everyone else.

 It was the most traumatizing month of my life and remembering how life was when he passed isn't something I like to think about. It's hard to talk about him to anyone or just think about him sometimes but I have to stay strong not only for me but for everyone else who feels affected by this event.

I've mentally changed a lot during this time but I did it for the better to make him proud and I try my hardest to show my family I can succeed. I wanted to push away anything that would prevent me from focusing on my education and I began to love myself. I would have never improved my mental health if I didn't learn to love myself and it does take a lot of effort and challenges to find yourself again and love yourself for who you truly are. I also was more present in family events because I never know when our time will end and I try to have the best memories possible with them.

Just because he is gone doesn’t mean that he is forgotten. We think about him everyday and keep him alive in our memory. I love him so much and I still wish he was here to support me and watch me walk that stage in a couple months.

I've felt more protective of my family and closer to them as time has passed by and I try my best to be there to support them whenever they need it. 

Life won't be the same without my grandpa but I can't bring myself down because of it and I have to be strong even though it still hurts.

I hope I'm making him proud right now. I love you forever papito.