First Choice

By Angie C.

Friends. Family. Partners.

What do all these words have in common? They define a type of relationship.

Relationships are the state of being related or interrelated with someone else. Everyone has their own definition of what a relationship means to them, what they expect in a relationship. I’m no different. If everyone has different expectations and definitions of what a relationship looks like, does that mean we should give up on our own expectations to please other people?

The answer is no.

I’ve had four relationships I held very close to me, each lost for different reasons, in the span of three months. At that time, I felt so incredibly alone. I had no support  after each loss. When I started to speak up about my experiences, my feelings, and my struggles, I realized that many of the people around me didn’t care to show empathy or compassion. They didn’t care that I was hurt. Or maybe they did, but they just didn’t express it in the way I needed. 

It was definitely not the first time I’d struggled with losing a relationship, but considering the impact each of them had on me, it was like I’d been hit by a semi truck. I received surface level sympathies, but no one really checked in on me and really made sure I was okay. I was sad all the time, and I cried frequently by myself. It was a crippling feeling, and I felt empty for a really long time. I couldn’t focus on my academics, and every single day felt like a drag. I was just trying to survive. Happiness was temporary, and left me feeling emptier than before those fleeting moments of joy. 

I tried pretending not to care. I told myself, and I told other people that I didn’t mind if they stayed friends with me and the people who hurt me, I didn’t expect them to cut them off just because of me. I rarely expressed myself as I was going through that emotional turmoil, and I think it was one of the biggest mistakes I could’ve made while trying to protect myself.

I’ve never been a fan of asking for help, or opening up about my feelings. But after those losses, that bad habit only made it harder for me to move on. I wished every single day that I would go to school and the people who hurt me would be gone. I would never have to see them again, hear about their existence, or any of the nasty things that were spoken about me. Deep down, I wished someone would come to my defense and stand up for me, show that they cared about what I was going through and maybe, just maybe, pick me over the people that hurt me.

That never happened. And time and time again, I’ve been disappointed by the people who I thought would put me first. It took me months to come to terms with the fact that all I was hearing were excuses. They had classes with my old friends, they had known them longer than they had known me, or they shared mutual friends and it would be too awkward if they cut them off. These people hadn’t done anything wrong to them, so in their eyes, what was the point of cutting off this friendship because I was hurt?

Over time, I've realized I need to hold myself accountable for keeping these people around me. But the scariest part of it was the mere thought of being alone, not having a group of friends who I could hang out with everyday. More than anything, I wanted a friend group at school. But it wasn’t what I needed.

I’ve learned to be more self-sufficient. I don’t spend my breaks with other people, I generally do things at school on my own. And I’m learning to be okay with it. One of my best friends, who doesn’t go to YB, reminded me that it’s okay to be on my own. It’s okay to want to be a priority. It’s okay to want to be cared for and supported when you feel like the world is ending and there’s nothing to hold onto. It’s okay to stand up for yourself. At the end of the day, I’m the one who needs to hold myself accountable for standing up for my needs, my ambitions, and my well being.

You can’t force others to change for you or prioritize you, the same way they can’t force you to be okay with something that you’re not okay with. Don't let others tell you what you should and shouldn't be okay with. Prioritize your wellbeing, and find people who go out of their way to support you and have your back, instead of staying neutral in a situation that is hurting you.

At the end of the day, I'm not alone. I have three amazing best friends who have gone out of their way to show me how much they love and care about me even when we can’t see each other every day. I have friends and family who see and understand my feelings and struggles. I still think about the idea of belonging to a friend group from time to time, but I would never put myself in a room I’m not welcome in.

 No one deserves to feel like a second choice. No one deserves to feel as if bad company is better than no company. 

 You matter, more than you might even begin to imagine.