Reflection

By: Karent R

When I was a kid all I sought were friends. Unfortunately, I grew thinking I wasn’t cool  or pretty enough to fit in with the rest of kids. At first I was shy, and didn’t talk much. But as time passed by I decided that I wanted to be cool like them and fit in. 

Eventually, I made friends, but they didn’t last. Some would leave the country, some would actually just leave because they discovered better friends. As a young girl who only wanted friends, I felt the need to be similar enough to fit in, but different enough so that they could not get tired of me. And I did.

I started doing many things to get people’s attention, but it is not the way people imagine. I was not seeking popularity, I was seeking approval. I just wanted people to think I was cool, and not just the boring person I actually was. 

Don’t get me wrong, not all of it was bad. I made friends, I went to contests, and won them, I became a top student, I did poetry, I did things people admired, but at the same time I didn't notice that doing too much led to losing too much as well.  

I grew up with the idea of having to prove my potential to people because I was so scared of being called “dumb”  or “stupid”, I tried to please everyone and tried to act a certain way so that people could see a reflection of me but not the real me. 

I knew that as soon as I showed who I truly was, people would leave. Every time I would do something that would naturally come out of me and saw that people would like it then I would do it over and over again to the point it became sickening. If they liked a nice person, best believe I was going to be nicer the next day, if they wanted to see a funny person, then i would try to get the best jokes in town. I was so hungry for acceptance that the things I once liked became things that now I truly despise. 

I was known for being the most honest person in elementary school because I would tell the truth about academic mistakes but never about personal flaws. In high school I started hating each and every inch of me. I hate when I laugh, I hate when I smile, I hate when I talk, I just simply get disgusted by every single thing that I do. 

Teachers would see a smiley person but as soon as I have the chance to hide, I rush to a mirror and see a reflection of the person I truly want to get rid of, myself. No matter how many times I try to break the mirror, the broken glass will always reflect different aspects of me that I want to make disappear. I know that even if I cut the glass in parts, the glass will still reflect me.

I became the villain in my story, and my mind has convinced me that I am the villain in other people’s stories as well. Growing up with a shaped mentality  pushed me to not know what I truly want, like, or what the truth of a situation is. I can’t tell my version of a story without feeling like I’m lying and victimizing myself to get people’s attention. Perhaps, I don't even know if this story is true or not, because no matter how much i try to put into words what i truly feel. The whispers in my head will tell me that it’s all made up and that people will think that I'm just an attention seeker. 

In my mind, there is no good in me. Everything about me is either fake or a mistake. No matter how many times people try to convince me I’m a good person, my mind will always replay the tape to times I was a monster and convince me  otherwise. I’ve come to the conclusion that it will always be this way, no matter what I do, shadows and broken glass will always follow me around.