The black sheep

By: Kassie N

Growing up my childhood wasn't normal in the least, constant factors played into this like the fact that I was predominantly raised by my grandparents and that impacted me and my relationships a lot. One of the biggest things that was always different to me was when was not having a go to community from the start, growing up I was bounced around but primarily was with my grandparents, spending partal time but not being able to fully connect with my mom and my natal (natural) father and their sides of my family.

My nana and papa were a constant, something that always was present in my life for better or for worse. They loved me and raised me to be their child, their baby, their little star who would accomplish something big one day. They always believed in me and told me I was going to do great things, they were the only ones who had faith in my ability to succeed.  

I loved them and they loved me to the moon and back but i didn't want that fully, i wanted to be “normal” and have that type of relationship with my parents NOT my grandparents. They were the best thing in my life but they weren't my parents and it made me feel really isolated as a child. I wanted mommy and daddy not nana and papa. 

My early life I grew up with my grandparents and would only have visits with my parents, they came in and out of my life. When i was with my natal father I only wanted to go home to nana and have her and papa protect me from my aunts and natal father who i didn't like when i was younger. 

My mother’s side of my family tended to not express or really teach anything pertaining to our cultural background and it sadly wasn't present in my life, I knew it existed too but it never played too big of a part in my life. I remember growing up with menudo and vicks when sick, but never more traditional remedies. 

While on the flip side I can't remember much if any remedies or traditional things carried out from my dads side. 

I wasn't in touch with my Cambodian or Chinese side of my family at all due to strained relationships. I heavily struggled with a lot of resentment issues due to who my mom was that affected how I was treated growing up. Growing up I knew nothing about my culture.

Connecting and feeling in touch with my cultural background is something that always seemed like the biggest mountain to get over due to the extensive lore and knowledge of all of it, making it all the more difficult to feel connected to it. Never feeling Mexican or Cambodian enough is always at the back of my mind because how am I supposed to represent and support the communities that have been supporting and lifting me up if I feel that I can't even recognize myself as part of their culture as a whole? 

Growing up I had a very diverse group of friends who I shared some experiences with. I loved them and they were amazing but I never felt a part of a larger group as a whole.  The fear of rejection from certain demographics while also categorizing myself to one group was one of my biggest fears as a child.

 Imposters syndrome along with the fear of not fitting in was something that I had unknowingly struggled with and really stopped me from connecting with a larger community early on in school. When I got a bit older and had moved schools several times in one school year made me feel isolated from everyone on campus and sent me into a spiral of feeling alone until I found the world of Harry potter. 

One cool summer day in mid July I decided to watch the Harry Potter movies for the first time since I was bored and the whole series was available for free to watch. Going in I had no clue what I was getting into and had no clue how much of an impact that series would change my life. After the first movie I liked it enough to continue till the 8th movie in the series. 

Going online I found out how big the fandom was and began to join group chats, spaces and fanfics and fell in love quite quickly. Harry Potter was one of the first times I felt like I could be included into a larger community as a whole. Getting into the potterverse was an experience to the say the least because J.K Rowling did a excellent job of making sure that the fans of harry potter felt included and felt like they belonged in a culture that was made up of people from very different walks of life, it felt very inclusive of everyone (including myself.) It was one of the first times I felt expected and welcomed by a community with open arms as a newbie to the series and fandom. 

Finding a sense of community in recent years has been harder than expected in person and much easier online. I think that I have found my ragtag group of friends that I'll always remember in highschool but it wasn't easy and didn't happen overnight. I think I built my own sense of community in the friend group that I connected with. Growing up I never felt like I belonged to any type of group, community or demographic, finding a place felt like such a relief.