Self

Content warning: story references an eating disorder.

By Tomi Tran

“Ladies and gentlemen, Southwest Airlines welcomes you to the City of San Jose. The local time is 8:32 P.M. For your safety and the safety of those around you, please remain seated with your seat belt fastened and keep the aisles clear until we are parked at the gate.”

In one aisle, a mom began unbuckling her seatbelt, causing a brother and older sister to follow. The family rose up to retrieve their suitcase from the overhead compartment. Meanwhile, there sat a little boy who was gazing out the window, having endured a grueling 16-hour and 34-minute flight. Eventually, the mom unbuckled his seatbelt and picked him up. They gathered their belongings and made their way towards the exit.

Navigating the passenger boarding bridge, the little boy struggled on his feet as the mom rushed him. His little 3-year-old legs could barely keep up with the pace of his family. They were soon met with the bustling atmosphere of the airport. A sea of people stretched along the distance of their view, and a big, bright souvenir shop sign glowed on their faces. This especially caught the attention of the little boy. This was his first time in another country. He had spent his entire childhood in Vietnam and although he didn’t understand much of what was going on, he could feel that his life would never be the same.

In the early years of my life, I had only spoken in my native tongue as a Vietnamese immigrant. Unfortunately, this led to me crying after my first day of kindergarten, where my inability to speak English left me unable to make friends. Anyhow, It only took 2 years for me to reach a stage of normal social interaction but throughout that time I felt isolated from my classmates.

As a kid, I never had the stereotypical interest in guy things. For example, there’s an idea that guys handle things by fighting, there’s the idea that guys like toy cars and planes, and there’s the idea that guys shouldn’t cry. For me, it was the opposite. I was scared of confrontation. I was interested in people rather than toys, and I often cried a lot. Naturally, that’s the reason I began hanging out with girls. They seemed to align with my personality. 

The reason I’m telling you this is that “you are who you hang out with”, so you know, as this quote implies, I became more feminine as the surrounding girls were. This would be the start of the constant alienation I faced growing up. I started to be bullied by guys because, although a girl crying over something normal, a guy who was sensitive and cried too often was considered a “p*ssy”. They really made me acknowledge it, as they would constantly send hateful messages to me in group chats and call me gay. I recall a moment when a guy I used to be friends with threw a basketball at the back of my head. I thought it was an accident at first, that was until I noticed he was laughing with his friends. It hurt me knowing that people I used to trust would now look down on me as if I were a different species of human.

Similar experiences would continue through middle school. At first, people would be nice to me, but as time passed, I would vanish out of existence. It came to a point where no one paid attention to what I said. They would ignore me and instead talk to their friends. It wouldn’t help that I still wished for a sense of belonging so wanting to grab their attention, I forced myself to do/say weird things. They would stop, look at me, and smirks would appear on their faces as they erupted in laughter. It felt nice as I laughed with them. That was only until I realized none of them were laughing with me. They were laughing at me. Still, at least I wasn’t being pushed away from everyone. They finally acknowledged me, even if it was only to make fun of me. 

In the last couple of years, I wouldn’t say much has changed. Quarantine was definitely a stunt to my development. I spent most of my time playing video games at night. I had just learned about social media so I downloaded apps such as TikTok, Instagram, and Discord. It was a curse disguised as a blessing. From this I would change myself and try my best to create a persona. A person who matched people’s preferred image of what was cool. I began to lose my identity and maybe for the better, because the real me didn't fit with everyone's expectations.

A year and a half later, I started high school for which I was not prepared at all. During quarantine, I could adopt a fake persona on the internet. I adapted and changed for every person I talked to. I had built the ability to recognize what to say and how to make people like me. I could hide who I was on social media, but once I was faced with the reality of life, I was the same boy who got outcasted by everyone. Externally, I was a lot different. I changed my hair, my clothes, and the way I talked. It’s obvious now that none of it worked. I believed at first when starting high school that people would listen, people would care, and that I would no longer be the runt of the group. Long story short, none of that happened. Everything was just a repeat of elementary and middle school. It made me feel that life, or at least just mine, would always be full of misery.

You know when people say, “if you look into someone’s eyes, you can tell what they’ve been through.” Well, school my eyes grew darker, deeper, and more dead throughout highschool. I was told that it seemed hard to approach me. I had an aura of sadness. I carried on with life as if I hated everything. I guess that’s just what being alone your whole life does to you.

Oddly enough, my kindness for people has remained strong throughout my entire life. Even as a young child it was apparent in my personality. I was more sensitive and empathic than the average guy and consequently; I got bullied for the entirety of my existence due to this.

People always say “It’s okay to be yourself”. Ironically, you might say that to a person who’s been bullied for that reason. Fortunately, I’ve actually grown a lot since. By some miracle , I've learned to love life. I’m grateful for everything I’ve been through, not saying it wasn’t challenging. It’s just that after all those years, I’ve become able to accept my differences. It's not that case for everyone though as we still live in a society that teaches people, there’s only one way to act. In doing so, we have created tons of stories like mine, one in which a kid's innocence is torn apart.

I’m a junior now and I’m going to enter college soon. I’ll have to enter adulthood and handle responsibilities. This story would’ve been better if it was my last for senior year, as I could leave all this off and forget about it. But hey, I've had my own fair share of regrets. Wouldn't want to risk another one.

As a final thank you for reading/listening, I’ll give you some advice. There is nothing more important in life than you. You were born into this world alone; you will die alone; you live most of it alone. It’s all really about you. You are the center of the universe, and once you perish, everything vanishes along with it. I want you to know that it’s okay to struggle, to get hurt, and to have regrets. I've been through all of that yet I’m able to write this story with humility. The reason I'm saying that is because your voice matters, so does your life. Don't be ashamed of your past. Everything, including the ups and downs, will become a story, a story of your legacy. So live life to the fullest, you won't get another chance.

For Warrior Times, Tomi Tran