One day at a time

By Vanessa Duran

Being a teenager is hard. There’s so many new feelings, emotions, experiences and opportunities that open up and it can wind up getting overwhelming and pressuring. Connections are made and lost in an instant and navigating through life gets easier, or harder. Everyone has their own path, my path might not align or be similar to someone else’s journey or vice versa, but because of my own struggles and accomplishments, I’ve matured and grown up so quickly. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even know who I am or how to approach any new struggle.

Towards the beginning of my journey as a teenager, I lost my mom. If I had been asked before her passing whether I felt loved, connected, or important to her, I would have said no. With so much time that has passed, I know it in my heart that she gave me her all. Her strength and her struggles become so clear to me and my whole perspective has changed. Dealing with such a significant death has been complicated. It comes in waves and to be honest, I can’t pinpoint anything I’ve felt or done as “grief.” I can't even say for sure if I’ve even grieved at all because it doesn’t feel like I have.

I started working so early on and it’s been such an eye opening experience that has shaped my entire personal being. Dealing with a big responsibility such as a job while also juggling school, it gets overwhelming at times. Being in charge of all my personal expenses since such a young age has been difficult. I started working when I was 15 and no one had told me it would be the end of depending on anyone else for myself.

I was making good little money and I started helping out with groceries, rent, pet supplies, and my own needs or necessities. I wasn’t taught how to budget or save so early on, I've been living off paycheck to paycheck with minimum wage pay. I’m lucky to have a roof over my head and a jalopy car to take me everywhere I need to go. If I could go back and do things differently, I would.

I’ve got to meet new people, make new friends and connections. I’ve been in a handful of relationships and experienced a whole new world of connecting. With new friends or partners, hardships have followed. At the beginning of every new bond, it’s beautiful, whether it's a new friend or partner, the joy and life it brings into the air is contagious and blinding. I’ve been wronged by people I have known for a long time and those freshly new into my life. 

I’m so happy I was able to experience teenage love. I was able to struggle with a leaning shoulder by my side, it was a beautiful relationship filled with angst, love, support, silliness and prosperity. It’s been my longest real relationship in my life so far and it hurts that we’ve broken up but separations aren’t always filled with hate. Some bonds are so intensely beautiful and filled with love that I’m glad to be able to say we’re staying friends until we’re ready to be something more once again, and if for any reason life thinks we shouldn’t get together, we’re okay with the chance that maybe it won’t work out.

Juggling life without any support is so hard. I’ve spent about half my high school life with no friends and it hasn’t always been easy. With losing friends, it felt like I lost the abilities to be social and trusting. I became reserved and didn’t talk to many people. It became hard for me to even have small conversations with people or reach out to anyone when I needed help. It’s made me feel like I’m not capable of being loved by anyone and as if I’ve lost my ability to laugh and express myself in ways I can’t bring out on my own. I still haven’t made any fulfilling progress in this department but I hope that one day I can break free and make new friends.

School isn’t always what it’s supposed to be. It used to be my home away from home, or my escape from home. Nowadays I would prefer to not go to school at all. While dealing with life, hardships, and new responsibilities like working, school can become brutal. There’s moments where it can feel claustrophobic and trapping. For me, going to school meant going hours without speaking, without being reached out to and a clear reminder that I was alone. Everywhere I’d be, there was always someone doing better than me. No matter where I turn at school, I can see everyone connected with each other and wonder why I can’t have the same. or feel as if I’m not good enough or worth enough to have it too. 

Homework and classwork took a toll on my own self esteem. It’s so easy to fail, whether it’s by not caring, not getting the help you need, or simply just missing an assignment can drastically affect grades. Teachers have closed minds and don’t notice that just because a student is failing, it doesn’t mean they don’t want to do better. Sometimes a standard way of teaching isn’t enough for every student. As it’s my last year in high school, I struggle with school, connecting and learning. I want to do better but I don’t know how. Fear and anxiety can consume one’s mind. I’m filled with fear of not graduating all because of an assignment that can so easily change whether or not I’m good enough to pass. Teachers give you the mindset that if you’re not doing good then you’re just a lost cause. It becomes hard to break out of the funk when even your educators seem like you’re not worth it.

As I make my way to becoming 18, graduating, and being on my own, I have hopes things get better for me. Although my hope and faith have lessened, I believe that things will get better. I will work on myself and work hard to make sure I don’t let myself down. At the end of the day, no matter how good or how bad you’re doing, the only person that you can truly count on is yourself. Don’t let go of that. I know I won’t.