Itch

By Devin Tran

What do you do when you feel like you’re getting disgusted looks? Do you start to build an insecurity and hide it? Or do you just shrug it off like it doesn’t matter? Some people might even get angry and throw hands. 

As for me, the story starts at slowly building an insecurity. It always starts with small comments or jokes about my skin, but mainly my face. “What are those flakes on your face?” and, “Maybe you should go wash your face…” Hearing these comments always makes me feel the need to cover up or lurk in the shadows.

Aftering hearing those comments over, and over, it always makes me wonder, “Why is my skin always so dry?” or even “Why do I look like this?” None of these questions would be answered until I ask my mom about my skin. Everything would be explained soon enough.

I can never forget these words. “You have had eczema since you were born.” It was shocking as I thought I was a normal kid with nothing wrong but I guess not. I wasn’t normal. Hearing the news made me hide in the corner full of nothing but darkness. Something else I also had to accept was that eczema wasn’t something that was curable, all it needed was time.

Linh Tran: “When you was born, you already had the eczema.”

Eczema is a common skin condition that is mainly found in children of younger ages. It makes the person’s skin itchy, and very dry, as the eczema makes it difficult to regain moisture. Eczema is not possible to cure, but can be taken care of so that it’s not as bad and irritating to the skin. The only way to have eczema “cured” is to wait until that person grows up, which  doesn’t exactly make eczema disappear, but makes it less damaging and irritating to the skin.

There was also the urge to itch. The urge to itch and slowly destroy my skin was unpleasant, but so relieving. It shouldn’t have felt as good as it should but it did. I always try to resist the feeling, but to no avail. I was trapped in a loop where I destroyed my skin by scratching it, then applying some medicine to heal or lessen the itch, just to scratch that same spot not too long after. 

Linh Tran: “Seeing you scratch yourself, bleeding all over that makes me hurt.”

As time flew by, I kept having dry, and scaly skin. Even as I grew up, my eczema should’ve gotten better, but it looked like it hasn’t gotten better in the slightest. I felt like I was stuck, in the same loop over and over, without getting better. Sometimes I wonder to myself, “What am I even hoping for?” I kept applying medication continuously growing up and wasn’t allowed to do things like staying in the sun too long, and showering with warm water for too long. 

I was limited and wished I didn’t have a time limit with things I enjoy. I loved being outside, playing some sports, or just running around, but was limited to shower with warm water to wash away all the thoughts and relax my body, but I was also limited to how long I could shower. I was forced to use baby products because any other products with any type of nice scent would irritate my skin.

Linh Tran: “I will give my son the body wash for babies only, with no chemicals and then keep my eye on whatever my son eats.”

By the time I reached my sophomore year, I started seeing some progress of my eczema fading away, as it wasn’t so overpowering over my skin anymore. It was still there but wasn’t as severe as when I was younger. There was a definite relief when I realized that my eczema was becoming less noticeable. It was definitely still there, but there weren’t any more rashes everywhere, but my previous scars are left scarred on my skin for life.

My mom has helped me both physically and mentally to push through and never lose hope. I’m glad that I had someone to support me when I thought I wasn’t a normal person. She always worried about me and tried to figure out ways to make it better. It’s not just my mom, but my family and friends never really makes me feel any different from any other person.

Linh Tran: I was sad and hopeless and keep trying and ask the doctor if there is any way to help just a little.

Realizing that my eczema is still there but slowly going away makes me more confident in myself and my looks. I’ve always been scared of judgement from others, always making me feel bad about how I look. Even though the scars I have made for myself will forever stay with me, the only thing I can think of is relief. I can definitely imagine myself thinking, “It’s finally getting better.” 

My scars from eczema are definitely not something I'll be proud of. Every day, slowly, it gets better. Sometimes I wish I could embrace this part of me like some other people who don’t worry about judgements about them. I’m definitely not at that level yet, even though I’ve had it basically my entire life. But finally, I get to see that glimpse of light shining into my pitch dark corner that once I left myself in.

For the Warrior Times, this is Devin Tran.