Echoes of rage

By Syiann Rodriguez

Anger is a shadow that lingers, growing longer and deeper until it is the only vision I see ahead of my path. Anger hits before I even know what I'm mad at. It takes over my words, my actions, and by the time I calm down, I’m left with nothing but regret. I don't want to be this way, but in the moment, it just seems right.

The aftermath I can’t say the same about. Not exactly confusion but another layer of frustration, once the anger comes into play it’s like everything fades into the background. I am aware of the damage yet still unable to prevent it in time.

In those situations, Ansar Kohistani serves as my foundation. He sees changes earlier than I do, the change in my tone and demeanor. He does not try to control or hide it. Rather, he keeps me focused in the present moment. Whether it's a collected voice, an understanding look, or simply his presence, he helps me get myself together before anger takes over. 

Even so, it does not always work. There are still times when impatience takes over, despite his attempts and overgrowing his control with my own. My parents notice the changes as well. They've witnessed my rage change in ways that I still don't understand. They, like Ansar, do not seek to silence it, but their method differs. 

Where he provides discreet help, others like my parents intervene with lessons and occasional reminders. They try to lead me through it, but their patience has worn thin after years of observing my struggles. 

Ansar observes how my reactions and tone shift when I’m upset, recognizing the contrast between my frustration and my usual way of speaking, as well as how my emotions can sometimes overpower me.

Kohistani: At times when you are mad, I do believe you will get violent and your tone changes but sometimes you don’t listen other than that you talk to me in a regular manner. 

Struggling with anger issues can be overwhelming, especially when a cloud of thoughts takes over and affects how I communicate. I know my reactions can sometimes overshadow my true intentions, so I try to listen more, recognize my triggers, and step back when needed. While it’s not always easy, having someone like Ansar point out these shifts helps me stay accountable and work toward more patience and understanding. 

Kohistani: It makes me feel bad and sad because I can’t stand seeing you like that and I am trying to calm you down but you don’t want me to do that and you keep pushing me away so I can’t do anything about it when you do that. 

Ansar's frustration stems from his want to help, but when I push him away, he feels powerless to intervene. I know it's difficult for him to watch me struggle, especially when I block him off, despite his desire to calm me down. 

I’m not perfect, and my anger issues are still very much a part of my life, as shown in an incident that happened yesterday after the badminton game I went to. 

After the badminton game, I was excited to look through the photos we had taken. I had a few of him, and he had a few of me on my camera. When I showed him my card reader, I thought we could transfer the photos, but when I realized he had his MacBook and I didn’t, my demeanor changed. It wasn’t about the pictures being transferred it was the fact that i wanted to do it and unfortunately like all this built-up frustration suddenly came to the surface. I wanted to be in control, but instead, I felt annoyed and angry. I snapped, and instead of letting him help or just letting it go, I let my anger take over.

Despite this, he is proud of my progress and recognizes that I am attempting to change not only for myself but also for our relationship. Knowing that my efforts are meaningful to him pushes me to continue growing and finding better ways to regulate my emotions. 

Kohistani: Yes, I have been seeing a lot of things change and I am happy that you are working on it everyday. I am proud of you for trying to make it better for our relationship. 

Kohistani’s support means a lot to me and pushes me to keep working on myself. Not just for our relationship, but for my own growth too that I constantly struggle with. It also made me want to hear from someone who knows me best. My mom, Denise Ramirez.

When I asked her about where she thinks these struggles come from, she gave me insight and a new way to look at where some of my reactions might come from and reminded me that awareness is the first step toward change.

Ramirez: “I feel you have these struggles from your father. He gets annoyed and irritated easily when people say or do dumb things.” 

Her perspective helped me realize that some of my habits might be learned, and becoming aware of that is a big step in breaking the cycle. 

To give me more insight, my mom shared a specific memory that she remembered perfectly. 

Ramirez: Yes, I have seen Syiann get mad. We were at a family's party over the hours we were there. Syiann was ready to go home after being there at the party for a while. She got very irritated and upset. I said relax, we still have to say our goodbyes to everyone.  Syiann said “can we just leave already!’’ It was just her tone and how  annoyed she was. I just rudely said Relax. 

Reflecting on the insights shared by those closest to me, it’s become clear that my struggles with anger are not simply isolated moments, but patterns influenced by those around me. 

Recognizing that my anger has been shaped by patterns passed down to me has been a turning point, allowing me to start untying myself from its grip. With the support of those around me, I am attempting to commit to breaking these cycles and build healthier emotional responses moving forward.

 For The Warrior Times, this is Syiann Rodriguez.