Through the fire

By Daniela Lomeli

Grief is hard. My name is Daniela Lomeli, and I will be talking about how losing someone is something no one is prepared for. I hope my story reaches an audience that can relate and find it helpful. 

I was in Mexico around 2022, I was at my Tios surprise party, it was very fun, it was a vaquero-themed party we all danced and had so much fun, that would be the first time we saw each other after a while, but something was off about my mom and my grandma, I asked “Que pasa mami? Abuelita estas bien?” [What's wrong Mom? Are you okay?] I was stressed out because the energy in the room was off. 

My sister ran to the bathroom and my mom's sister chased after her and hugged her as my sister cried. My chest was hurting, I knew something was wrong so I ran to the bathroom and asked “Valeria don't lie to me what's going on why is everyone being weird”

She said “Just go back Dani mom will tell you later”

I got angry so I went to sit back down. My mom realized how angry I was so she told me, it hurt so bad. “Daniela, tu abuelito esta muy enfermo, no sabemos si va a estar bien” [Daniela, your grandpa is very sick and we are not sure if he will get better] 

I was scared and confused “Pero mami, mi papa ya sabe?” [But mom, does my dad know? tears were running down my face. 

She told me they would tell him after the party as a family because my dad had been very excited to be there and we didn't want to drop it on him. I ran to the bathroom the second she told me, I hid from my dad, from everyone. My sister came inside and I was crying. I couldn't focus. She hugged me and told me it was going to be okay. She wiped my tears and made sure I looked fine before going back.

Months passed. It was mid-way into freshman year and everyone knew he was sick, My dad's spark was fading away and is still away since, My house was quiet, it wasn't the same, it was sad. I didn't like coming home. My dad sent my grandpa to many doctors and specialists in Mexico and spent a lot of money every month. My grandpa lost the ability to walk, eat, and talk. He became severely ill and thin. My dad constantly flew out to go see him and each time he came back you could see the funny kind man fading away, he became angry and sad not at us but at the world, everything. 

In May 2023, we got the news my grandpa only had a few months left to live, my dad cried and i cried we all cried, I felt broken. This isn’t fair. My dad sacrificed everything for my family.  He is the sweetest man and it hurt knowing we get no hope no chance of recovery for my grandpa. My dad gave up. His spark was gone. he didn't smile, he didn't eat, he wasn't joking around, he ignored everyone and everything around him. Our family was torn apart. I wasn't close to god because in my head I kept thinking why would god put us through this? 

June 24th, 2023 my grandpa passed away, at 3:00 am 

Me and my parents planned to go to Mexico the first week of July to say our goodbyes to my grandpa before he passed away, but he had gotten worse, he was getting weaker. On June 24th my dad got the call, his sister had told him. 

When it was 7:30 my mom woke me up she said “Dani desperieta tu abuelo” As she cried she kept saying that and  “daniela tu papa ya se va a ir a Mexico despierta”

I woke up fast and I was confused “mami pero si mi papa se va en una semana?” She cried more and told me that my grandpa had passed away.

I finally felt something, it hurt so bad too. I never knew what this feeling was and until this day I don't understand. It didn't feel real but I was forcing it too. I remember it so well, I cried and I couldn't breathe I didn't say a word all I did was cry. I opened my eyes just a little bit and I saw my dad on the floor of his room looking up, holding his face, my dad... My best friend is someone who never cries, someone who's always laughing and standing up straight the man who would get mad if I slouched even a little bit. 

He got up and walked towards me he was slouched and the minute my arms opened he fell into my arms crying so loudly.

 I rubbed his back as he said “No me pude despedir dani”

I kept saying over and over “ya se, ya se, ya se”. My dad and mom flew out that day for his funeral me and my sister stayed back to get my emergency passport fixed at San Francisco. I couldn't sleep or eat those days it felt blank. A few days go by and I went to Mexico me and my sister ran to my dad's arms but something was weird he smiled. 

He hugged me and my sister “mis ninas todo va a estar bien ok”. We went to my grandma's house and talked about all the memories we had with him and we prayed and laughed. We went to church for nine days as a tradition to pray and pay our respects. On the final day, we had a huge food gathering with all the family. This made me realize that I only lived once, that life is worth living, and that even though it hurt it was going to be ok, because I had god. (My connection with god grew) I still remember how it felt entering that house without you sitting on the corner of the couch, and how you weren't outside fixing something or not hugging me or touching my face to tell me how much I was like my dad. 

It hurt to see how empty it was. My grandpa lost the ability to talk, walk, and eat. So to show us love he would draw it or use symbols with his hands, he told my grandma how much he loved her by making a heart with his hands and blowing kisses at her. He showed all my aunts and uncles pictures of me in my quince dress with a smile even though they already saw them he didn't care he showed everyone and that made me feel so much love. Even though he couldn't talk he tried too with all he could to talk to my dad because they were so far apart. I remember how sad my dad was because he was trying so hard to understand him! I remember telling him how much I loved him and how he cried because he couldn't tell me he loved me back. 

I wrote him a letter telling him that I'm proud of him for trying and that he will be okay soon, knowing that he wasn't. I just wanted him to know that I was proud of him. I made sure he knew we loved him and that we were proud of how hard he had tried. I miss him every day and I wish I got to say goodbye or at least write him one last letter. I love you, rest in peace abuelito todos te extranamos and I’m grateful I at least got to write to you before you passed. 

For The Warrior Times, this is Daniela Lomeli