No longer closed

By Sophia Nguyen

I was normally a very closed off person during my elementary and middle school years. I wouldn’t communicate and I would rarely tell anyone about my problems. I would keep things to myself because I didn’t want to burden anyone with what I was going through. 

I would constantly lock myself up in my room every time I return home from school. I thought it was normal since my mom kinda does the same too, but it turns out she doesn’t do it as much as I do. On a daily basis, she would get upset every time I’d stay in my room and only be on my phone.

It ended up becoming an issue, causing me to develop depression, anxiety, and an obsession with my phone. I couldn’t go over a day without looking at a screen. I was basically attached to it like watching videos or texting my friends constantly. I would also draw digitally, but during this time, it became mentally draining.

Every time I got home from school, I didn’t greet my family. I sometimes couldn’t handle being in the same room as them as well.

I was also scared that I would get stared at. My mom tends to judge me every time I get out of my room, a reason why I tried to avoid my family, specifically my mom’s constant nagging.

Before, I also would get annoyed easily too, everytime I heard my siblings chew or talk loudly, I always told them to be quiet. Same thing with hearing a song I hate on the TV, I used to always tell them to change it. I hated loud noises, but with metal and rock music, I was fine.

Sometimes, I would wish I could just hang out with my family more willingly. They are fun to hang out with, but I was just always mentally and physically tired.

My mom ended up getting me a therapist because she found out that I wasn’t well mentally. At times, I would draw disturbing things and not talk much with my own family. I would sometimes even have shouting matches with my family too, even if I was the one in the wrong. She used to also didn’t like the fact that I would joke about ending my life and harming myself as well. 

Typical emos.

At first, I didn’t like the thought of going to therapy. I was scared that if I opened up, my therapist would tell my mother about everything I say.

Surprisingly, she never told my mom anything. It caused me to trust her more and be more vulnerable. She was my therapist for three and a half years and we would meet up every Friday, getting boba, food, and even chat together.

She told me that I can just start slowly, something simple like eating with them in the same room or just watching movies. I was kind of hesitant at first, because I didn't know how It’ll go. 

I was mainly worried about my mom, she always had a thing to say about me every time I got out of my room. Sometimes, her words would hurt. I knew that she just wants what's best for me, but she just struggles to express them the way I want to hear.

But I did try.

I tried to at least go out in the living room a bit more. I was still quiet though and sat somewhere far away from my family, but at least I was near people. 

Overtime, I started being a bit more productive with them. I started eating at the same table, I started watching movies with them, I even went out shopping with my sister. Everything started to get better overtime, I just had to get used to it. Now, I even have a band I hang out with four days a week.

At times, I still isolate myself, but I'm trying to get better with the help of my friends, family, and especially my therapist. Putting in the effort to fix myself is better than just staying mentally ill forever because it’s all that matters.

For The Warrior Times, this is Sophia Nguyen.