Healing

By Alexa Herrera

I always thought this pain I felt every day would go on forever. I lived in anger that I would never heal and live happily like others waking up became something I dreaded everyday.

I feel like I always blamed myself for all of my mental, relationship and family problems. No one ever validated my feelings enough to make me feel like it wasn't my fault. After a while I realized I only wanted the feeling of being validated. I didn't need it from outsiders, it was just the wanting of it. I had held so much anger above those who had hurt me. I felt like I was always holding this front to everyone of me being okay and overcoming everything but I think I was lying to myself maybe to convince myself I was healed and was ready to move on.

I was so wrong I hadn't healed and I had never completely come to an understanding of why everything broke down the way it did. It broke and it fell all over my life. It felt like a chore to pick up the pieces and rebuild myself.  I was being held back by fear and issues I had left unsolved. I couldn't trust anyone and I felt myself pushing everyone away. I slipped into my own mind and I was constantly overcome with battles of doubt and feeling like I couldn't trust anyone around me like I was under constant attack.

In addition to the trust issues I was always asking myself why me? I had always asked myself. I had broken down to God begging him to tell me why it felt like being here on earth felt so draining. I wanted to move on so bad yet I couldn't.

I found myself getting highs of happiness when I felt like I would accomplish little things that were a part of my journey such as finally letting go of some of the stuff that no longer served me and learning that at some point putting myself first is totally fine and the judgement of others doesn't matter. but that peace and happiness would never last. I would always end up back at square 1. I felt myself losing the grasp on the fact that I had to keep pushing and working towards myself. I saw myself craving to be at peace but nothing was working. I wanted to give up but i didn’t want to see myself go down so easily i would’ve felt so disappointed with myself so i started doing everything I always felt like I couldn’t do because why did i even feel like i couldn’t do it in the first place I could never answer that question which made me realize it's not even a question i should’ve had. 

I doubted myself and I got tired of it. I had to finally make a change for myself. I needed to prove that I could do it. I was tired of feeling the disappointment from those important around me. I felt like as much as they pushed their help I couldn't take it until I was ready to acknowledge I needed it which was also a big improvement i made during my start of self realization. Stuff doesn't stop in time and the more I accepted the way I felt and the more I acknowledged I was hurt and the reason why had given me a sense of being overwhelmed with so many emotions thrown at me and I couldn't understand and for once I was at peace that I didn't know the answer to it because not everything had to have an answer. I wanted to fight my mind for being okay with it. I felt as if I had more questions left unheard. Not everything was a part of an equation I had to solve even if it was eating me on the inside.

The anger I felt settled little by little because I had realized the more anger I held against those who left me hurt was keeping the pain and hurt alive I didn’t forgive I just came to terms that I couldn’t change those events I experienced moving on or healing doesn’t have to come with forgiving because sometimes the person doesn’t deserve that closure from you knowing you’ve never gotten closure not everything is easy to accept and it might take longer than others but it's possible and I'm glad i was able to and I know whoever reading this would be able to go along the journey I did.

There were so many things I had no control over and I had to accept that because I felt held back and it was causing so many interruptions on my healing journey. Even through the rough times I have come to understand that I can’t change the past and it has allowed me to grow into the individual I am today. Being able to know that not everything needs an answer shaped me into how I carry myself now.

For the Warrior Times, this is Alexa Herrera.