get up again

Content warning: Story mentions body dysmorphia

By Jake Carabajal

Did you ever want to be a certain way, did you ever want to be a way where you think you would be accepted? I used to be someone that was called, “fat” by my friends constantly, I was made fun of because I had a small gap in my teeth, I was made fun of for years to the point I just got used to it, I wanted to show them, everyone that I was way more than that, I wanted to show myself that I was more than that.

In middle school I had been made fun of by my friends mostly, it has really affected me and the way I think today. I had been mentally worn out at a young age because of all this but I just didn’t know it. I joke with my friends now all the time, but it never got as bad and hurtful as it did with my past friends. They took it to an extent and I was still in elementary school and this was carried on to 8th grade, whenever I would say the same type of things back to one of them, they would always take it too far, way too far, remove me from a group chat and block me so I can’t even say anything if i wanted to. I got away from everything and everyone after 8th grade when I came to Yerba Buena. I realized that I wanted to be a better version of myself. Something I grew up with is fighting and as I got older I realized that is something I always loved doing and I can express my emotions with.

So during freshman year, I decided I wanted to do wrestling. As the wrestling season went on, the extra weight started to come off my body, I even built a bit of muscle but during the season I did suffer a few injuries, including a meniscus tear, so I was out for a couple weeks but I came back strong and put work into it. When the season ended around February, I tried weightlifting and, I realized something, I loved it.

I started with 2 fifteen pound dumbbells and from there on out, in March 2023, I started my weightlifting journey. I was doing it every single day, at first, I just wanted big arms but then I started wanting a bigger chest then abs then legs and then I just couldn’t satisfy myself from the way I looked, I then developed severe body dysmorphia, that is one downside, it is something that has always affected me, the worst thing it does is demotivate me, I try not to think of it that way, but it didn’t stop me from the love of getting stronger. To me, body dysmorphia is something that is in your head most of the time, you are never satisfied with your own body or yourself, you always compare yourself to other people and belittle yourself, I also tend to think, “I can never be like that”, “How can I get like that?”,”Is it possible for me?”. A way I avoid this is to just focus on my own body and progress but it's easier said than done.

The months started going by and I started to see major progress in my physique and mentality and that is one thing that just keeps me going, but that was somehow never enough for my own standards, I was never really satisfied with my body, even now it is something I struggle with everyday. I started dedicating myself to this. Weightlifting has become something of my everyday life, I lifted more than anything, more than video games, fighting and school but it really taught me that if I really want something I have to work for it but eventually it will come by. Sophomore year rolls by, and I am going to the school weight room almost everyday for an intense workout. Me and my dad got a bench and squat rack at my house and it's something that we use all the time.

I didn’t do wrestling sophomore year, instead I used all that time for the gym, my strength rapidly grew and my bench personal record went from 135 to 185 in two months, it was something that I am still proud of to this day. I started to change as a person, I wanted to forget who I was before, the person that was always made fun of and insecure at a young age. I felt myself finally getting away from that and embracing myself and being confident with myself. 

Around December 2023, I began doing a lot of MMA with my friends again and training and for the next couple months I have been lifting but took a little break a few times because I got really sick. The doctor advised for me to not lift but I managed to hit 205 on bench and 315 on deadlift, as the summer time rolled around, I broke my wrist while riding my bike and I couldn’t do any physical activity most of the summer and it really demotivated me and I didn’t know what to do but just walk my dog everyday. 

That was when my body dysmorphia got worse, always having that cast on, it disgusted me and I hated it in every way possible, how it looked and affected my range of movement and hold me back from so many activities, especially in the summertime, I even thought I was seeing my muscles get smaller by the week and it demotivated me. All I wanted was to get that cast off and get back to lifting, it kept me from doing what I loved doing most. A couple of weeks go by and my cast is off but I still need to heal for about a month. I do light bicep curls and forearm curls to help it heal and build muscle. My confidence has gone down a bit in my physique, I did lose some strength but as the weeks and months go by, I gain it back, I start doing more MMA and boxing with my friends. October rolls around and wrestling conditioning starts and I join again in Junior year.

The wrestling season is ongoing but I feel myself improving as a wrestler,a person but, I still struggle with not being satisfied with myself but I guess we can all have that to some extent, I feel like I’m not that person I used to be, I feel like I’m someone else now, but maybe that's for the better, but I’m still actively trying to better myself and become the person I want to be, I feel like I have made some improvement and I’m proud of that. 

For the Warrior Times, this is Jake.