My body

By Katie Nguyen

I have always been skinny. Growing up I remember I was the “skinny” one, and still am. I have only one sibling, my sister, and I was always the skinnier out of the two of us. I have a rocky relationship with food, sometimes I would eat a lot and sometimes very little.

Ever since I was little, I remember everyone telling me, “You should eat more,” or “You should gain more weight.” Everyone always thinks I don’t want to, and I try but it’s very hard to gain.

Relatives would tell me if I could gain a bit more weight, I would look cuter. Or sometimes people think I am on a diet, and they’re like, “It’s not healthy to be skinny.”

Hearing this made me feel hopeless. I was eating normally, just like my sister. Sometimes I would eat less, but I thought to myself, “Not to the point where they would feel the need to tell me this.”

During quarantine was when I first tried to gain weight. I would workout and drink smoothies with calories but I couldn’t gain weight. I realized the problem was me not eating consistently.

 I would eat a lot sometimes and not eat at other times, and even though I tried to force myself to eat those times when I felt like I couldn’t, I didn’t due to me not having an appetite.

When we came back to school, I was a 9th grader in high school. I didn’t care about wanting to gain weight. I was just happy to be having interactions with people again. Fast forward to sophomore year, I downed food, and I was able to gain weight. I always choose foods with the most calories, even if it was unhealthy. 

I would eat a lot of fast food just because they give a lot of calories, and I didn’t care about my health. I would go to the gym and drink ensure, which is a protein shake. I never had an appetite in the morning, but I would force myself to eat high calorie foods such as macaroni and cheese or ramen with eggs. I was glad I was able to gain weight.

During this time I did it for me, and no one was really commenting on my weight anymore. I just felt the need that I had to gain weight for me, to look healthier, be healthier, and fit my clothes better.

Forcing myself to eat was exhausting, but day by day I forced myself. What went through my head is like: Am I going to regret not eating this meal… wouldn’t I get mad once I get skinnier?

My thought is that temporary discomfort is better than long discomfort. Temporary meaning forcing myself to eat that meal and once I’m done it’s over(until the next meal) and long meaning getting mad everyday once I lose weight.

I got sick during flu season. I had the flu and it made me so tired I stayed in bed and wouldn’t eat. I was frustrated because I knew it messed with my eating. I was right. 

I felt my weight slipping each day I didn’t eat. I would try to force myself to eat, but without the appetite it was hard to do so. Once I stopped eating one day, the other days slipped by as well. In my mind it was like, “You already missed the calories for one day. How can you gain back two days worth of calories when you can’t even get one?” This thought led me to completely give up gaining weight.

When I finally got out of the flu, I had a hard time gaining an appetite again, and I didn’t have the motivation to force myself to eat and gain all that weight back again. 

Now, as a senior in high school, I’m trying to find the motivation to gain weight again. I don’t have an appetite, sometimes I do, but I’ve been trying to eat to be able to gain weight like how I did sophomore year again, but this time eating healthier.

However, this time around my motivation from gaining weight doesn’t come from feeling like I have to, it comes from me wanting to gain for myself to look healthier and be healthier.

I’m happy for the people around me supporting me and trying to help me gain weight. They helped me by giving me advice on how to gain, not by saying, “I think you’re perfect the way you are.” They gave me advice I actually found helpful.

It makes me feel happy when I am able to gain weight. I love the feeling of giving myself a goal like, “Oh, I have to gain this many pounds,” and actually being able to gain it. It makes me feel like I’ve accomplished a goal.

Something that this experience taught me is that good things take patience, and you have to be okay with your process not going the way you want it to sometimes, to get to where you want to be. The process won’t be perfect.

For the Warrior Times, This is Katie Nguyen.