Learning to trust

By: Jason Phan

Growing up as a kid with a big extended family and having a lot of cousins to hang out with and make enjoyable memories with was cool, but when it came down to being vulenerable with them I was always the laughing point of some conversation, and they'll always make a joke about me doing something dumb because i was a naive kid who would listen to them no matter what to fit in. 

I remember the times when we were kids and i was about 8-9ish years old and we were having a sleepover where I had this pillow I really liked and my cousin just took it away from me and told me if i didnt give it to him, he would kick me out of the sleep over and me being a naive kid and scared to speak out, so I  just willingly let him have it. 

So when it came to me being on my own due to family drama and being away from them, I was always scared to say what was on my mind and just agreed with people blindly, so I could be friends with them. With all of that happening while I was still a naive kid, I became afraid of telling people what I really felt, and I became very invulnerable to people around me. Afraid of what they were gonna say about me and what I had an opinion about and what I felt. 

So, coming into me being a teenager and being afraid of being open to people, I was always alone in my head. I didn't have someone to run to tell them my problems. Even my closest friends,I became really scared to tell them anything. Even though I would tell myself that they're my friends and that I shouldn't be afraid to tell them about how I felt, it always lingered in my mind that they could maybe say something bad about me or tell people what I had said. Keeping all of these feelings inside of me was pretty common at this point for me because I've done it since I was a kid, so I really didn't feel anything about it. 

Throughout middle school, I became friends with a group of people always in drama and always having a negative mindset about people. They were the popular kids of the school, a lot of people knew them, so I started hanging out with them because some of them were the kids I went to school with in elementary school. Although in my 7th grade years, I didn't say anything about myself to them,not even my opinion, but every once in a while I would give my opinion on something, hoping they would like it. I would really only give my opinion to others if I really knew about the situations, or I would make jokes to fit in with the rest of them. I became a people-pleasing person, always agreeing with others to make them feel good about themselves and always having them as friends because I was afraid of being judged and alone. 

But having Jesson Salvador, I met him in 1st grade, and we have been friends since then, and throughout my middle school years, it did help because I've known him for so long. I did kinda trust him, but I never really told him anything. He was my best friend, the only person I really considered a real friend, a friend I could kinda tell him things about me without it going out to the others.

Jesson:  “Yeah, there were times I could tell that you had a lot going on emotionally, but didn't fully say it. Sometimes I did ask. It felt like you wanted to talk, but something was holding you back, so you kept it to yourself most of the time.”

So, coming into my 8th-grade year, I did find some new friends, but I lost my great friend and the friend I could trust, Jesson, who had moved out of the city to another city 3-4 hours away. And I was still the same. I would be very careful with my wording to please them, treat them as my friends, and I would really care about what people would say about me, and I was just scared. Scared of being judged, and I was just scared. I was also alone because my best friend since elementary had moved away to Visalia, and he really was the only person I did kinda trust at that time. But I did find a new group of friends who i did kinda trust a little, which eased the 8th-grade year a lot.

Near the end of 8th grade year, and the beginning of freshman year, I had reconnected with another one of my friends from elementary school, Mai, but I was still a little worried about being vulnerable to others. Freshman year was really a blur, nothing special. I did make new friends, and I also became a little better at opening up about what happens and giving my opinion on things. Mai started to open up to me about her problems and how things were going for her, and what was happening in her life. 

Mai:  “Yeah, I remember a few moments where you were really vulnerable to me. One that stands out is when you were going through a rough situation and actually opened up instead of keeping it all in, like you usually do. I remember thinking that it meant a lot that you trusted me enough to let me see that side of you.”

This made me trust her and made me feel a type of way, a type of way where I can express myself to her. She was really caring, always listening, and giving me such solid advice. I became more open to her, running to her about my problems, and she was like a sister to me. I became very close with her and trusted her a lot 

Mai: “I would say yes because we've been friends for so long, and we've watched each other grow up, and seeing you be comfortable opening up to me was rare. It made me feel like I could also open up myself because I feel like growing up, we've always had this like perception of each other. So it made me, it made our friendship feel more genuine and safe.”

Continuing with the rest of the years of my high school days I've always run to those two, Mai and Jesson to tell them my problems and it has been a wonderful things; they always give me such good advice, and just have been such good friends and Ill always look back into these days and be grateful I have met those two and how our bonds as friends have grown these past few years. And I'm so grateful that I've learned to this day to be more vulnerable to my friends. 

Jesson: “Like, yeah, it's like information about like, oh, you did this. Oh, you did that. But none of them, none of it will like ever affect how close we are or how much of a big friendship we 

have. 

To this day, I still am not fully vulnerable with my friends, but that's something that is still an ongoing journey for me, and it's improving every day.