color outside the lines 

By: Kelly Mon

When I was growing up, I was always told to be more lady-like by the adults around me. “Don’t sit like that.” “Don’t speak like that.” But why? I always asked. “Because, you are a girl.”.

 I didn’t think about it at first but as I grew a little older, I started to realize that I didn’t really fit in with the girls my age. They enjoyed playing with barbies while I enjoyed playing with pokemon. They loved the color pink, I love the color purple. Their favorite princess was Snow White but mine is Rapunzel. It’s not that serious but why do I feel different? “I have to be like a girl. I have to like the color pink to fit in–I have to play with barbie dolls to make friends!” were words that never came out of my mouth.

Why is it that I have to like and do certain things to be a girl? It’s like I’m trapped in a room full of the color pink and bows. I always found that odd because why does liking different things that others don't have to define your gender? So what if I enjoyed playing video games and watching Pokemon instead of playing with barbies and watching Sofia The First. I didn’t believe in trying to fit in with people that I would be bored with because of the lack of the same interests. I didn’t think about it too much. Not until I entered middle school.

After covid ended, I hit puberty. My body started to change and that's when my insecurities started to kick in. I wasn’t bothered at first but since quarantine ended and we had to physically be on campus, I started to be worried about how I looked. I had no sense of fashion and I didn’t know how to wear makeup. I basically looked like a little nerd, and definitely not so very feminine. Then I realized, all the girls at school were very pretty, they had long jet black hair, they wore straight legged jeans, had long nails, and were very popular amongst boys. That thought slowly started to engrave in my head. 

I had no interest in finding a boyfriend but I thought if I did end up dating someone it would make me seem more girly. However, I had pretty short hair–a little longer than shoulder length I would say, I had no experience with makeup, my school outfits would consist of a jacket alternating between black and grey with sweats, and I didn’t know how to talk to a guy. I was devastated because I slowly started to realize like I have to get my things together to fit in. We also had masks during this time so I was glad people wouldn’t see my bare face. But one day, I was taking a sip of water during one of my classes and my friend suddenly gasped. 

“Wow Kelly! Your skin is so clear. I am so jealous of you. This is why you don’t wear makeup–You’re literally glowing!” she said out of excitement. I began to get flustered because it was one of the first times anyone who I didn’t go way back with, complimented me even when the beauty standards of the school were different. 

It made me feel better about myself and my insecurities started to go away. However, I still wanted a change even if it was a small one. I wanted to look different and act a little different to impress people. I started to look into shopping, and my personality became more open and a little too overly kind. 

After 7th grade, my hobby for shopping grew. Although I didn’t have money for actual good branding clothes, I still wanted to upgrade my style. So starting 8th grade I became more confident about myself because I would enjoy coming to school with new clothes to wear. And to my surprise I actually attracted someone. I still desperately wanted a boyfriend like all the other girls in my grade. I didn’t pay attention to the bad parts of those fantasies.

Towards the middle of first semester of 8th, I was overlooked for my feelings and seriously loved bombed by a boy who was just as inexperienced in love as I was. I was very hurt and ashamed over the fact that I even let myself get so hurt over a boy who toyed with my heart. I never realized how much it would affect someone because I was always the friend telling my friends to dump their boyfriend because of mistreatment. But when it came to my relationship, I was stuck, I really liked him.

But it all started when my best friend asked me “What did you like about him? Don’t give me that “his personality” crap, did he ever do anything for you?”. I stayed quiet. She read me like a book, yes he made me happy, yes he “loved” me, but at the same time his love came from his words, not his actions. Her words stuck out to me and it made me feel mature for realizing my worth. I didn’t feel like a girl. But a Woman. 

I gave up trying to change myself, I stopped wanting to wear makeup and stopped fantasizing about a boyfriend. Even though it took me sometime to move on, I chose to get more into my hobbies to distract myself. I began to feel like myself again but with a more sense of style. I came to school almost everyday with a positive attitude and a better mindset. I reached out to an old friend, Jesson, and I got to have a really deep talk with him. He was the very first guy friend I got to talk to on a deeper level and I became really close with him.

My friendship with Jesson grew over the years and he also has awoken something in me. He made me feel like it was okay to be who I am and it never makes me any different especially compared to other girls. 

Jesson: “You don’t really try to gain any attention by like, doing all these flashy looks like what girls do nowadays. Not saying that that’s bad but it's just like, you do what you do like naturally. And I like that you let them find you for who you are rather than to like, you know, be a girl, what a girl does like everyday. You know makeup, or I mean there's nothing wrong with that but there's just the fact that you don’t do that just to make people understand you.”. 

I then realized that there was no moment I had to fake being myself ever since getting close with Jesson. Nor even after I met him. I finally was able to accept the fact that I am just my own person and no matter what anyone thinks, at the end of the day it’ll always be me who understands myself the most. 

Hearing Jesson understanding my feelings really helped me in the long run especially because it came from a male perspective. I’m glad I reconnected with him when I did because even if he moved, he was proof to me that there are still people who think I’m cool for being myself. Because of him, I got to freely enjoy the things I do without letting anyone get to me so easily. 

Jesson: “You make me realize that I can be friends with the opposing gender because like, you know, some people think that like oh, when you’re friends with the opposite gender, you’re gonna have feelings for somebody, but in reality, no, you make me realize that there can be people out there that you can be friends with of the opposing gender that can make you feel like they could still be a friend to you. Although, there, we have different interests.”. 

I learned that it’s okay to have different hobbies and likings than everyone else. Gender is irrelevant. Everyone is different, that's what makes them cool and unique. I think it’s fine to be different as long as it's not masking your true identity.