For those I love

By Yessi Rivas

I never realised my way of showing love to others was different than most people do. While many people express love through words or physical touch like saying “ I love you” or giving hugs my experience was much different.

Growing up with my grandparents who raised me since I can remember until I was 10 I was never taught how to talk about my emotions. In all the years that I lived with them I never heard them tell me they loved me or anything. I knew they did though because they would take me everywhere and I was like their own child.

My grandparents didn't grow up knowing how to express their emotions.They didn't grow up with their parents telling them that they loved them or showing them love.They never received a hug or a simple  “I love you” from their parents.

Because of this, their way of showing me love was through their presence.It didn't matter if it was just the store, I was always by their side, Everything they did I did it with them.

I thought you didn’t need to tell people you loved them for them to know it. Some even say ”actions speak louder than words”, but I've come to realize that for some people, hearing those words is exactly what they need to feel secure and loved.

Mom: siento que no enseñas tus emociones porque es algo que desde pequeños, yo tampoco enseñó mucho mis emociones porque siento que no nos enseñaron a nosotros nunca y como tu creciste con tus abuelos entonces siento que ellos nunca te enseñaron mucho amor como a nosotros y alomejor por eso se nos hace más difícil enseñar nuestro amor. [I feel like you don't show your emotions because it's something that since we were little, i dont show my emotions either because i feel like they never taught us how to show our emotions and since you grew up with your grandparents i feel like they didn’t teach you either and that's probably why it's harder for us to show our emotions.

Those people were my parents. After I went to live with them I realized that they were very affectionate towards me, to me this was really different, it sometimes made me feel bad because when my dad would tell me he loved me and I wouldn't say it back.

They would be more open about expressing their emotions. Every time my mom would go to work in the morning she would tell me she loved me and hugged me. I sometimes thought there was something wrong with me. I would ask myself why doesn't it feel normal to say “I love you” to my own parents.

Mom: Yo decidi siempre enseñarles cariño a ustedes porque yo no quiero seguir este patrón que nosotros tenemos de no enseñar cariño y quiero que tu cuando tengas tus hijos si algun dia tienes hijos pues les enseñes amor y cariño y digas que los amas porque siento que es una parte muy importante del crecimiento de alguien. [I decided to always show you guys love because i don't want to follow that same rule that we have about not showing our emotions and when you have kids, if you decide to have kids i want you to show them love and be affectionate with them because i think its a really important part of someone's childhood.

But for some reason, telling someone I loved them was always awkward and it didn't feel natural. And it didn't feel natural because I never grew up that way, not because I didn't love them.

Now that I'm older, I realised that my hesitation might have hurt people’s feelings. I often wonder if they thought I didn't love them simply because I struggled to say it back. Never knowing I was simply loving them the only way I knew how.

Mom: Un momento donde si enseñas tus emociones es como cuando me das cartas el 10 de mayo, se me quieres y me amas porque siempre me lo demuestras y se que no me lo dices pero me lo demuestras de diferentes maneras. [ The moment that you show me your emotions is when you give me cards on mothers day. I know that you love me because you always show me that you do, I know that you don’t tell me that you love me but you show me that you do in different ways.

Last time i saw my grandpa was 7 years ago,I remember that  i had to go to the airport and he didn't want to take me, he said he wasn't gonna go and i knew it was because he didn’t want us to see him cry, but we woke up about 4 A.M and i still remember me crying and i was hugging him and said goodbye.

That goodbye is one of the main reasons I want to change. After that day i have lived with regret, i regret not letting them know how much i loved them, i regret not hugging them as tight as i could,and i regret taking our time together for granted.

I hope to learn how to show affection more openly so I don't repeat the same mistakes I made with my grandparents. I wish I hadn't needed a painful realization to understand that I needed to change, but that is simply how life is.

Growing up with my grandparents, I never questioned their love for me. Because they were always present and went above and beyond for me, I never saw anything “wrong” with the way I was shown Love.

I realize now that love isn't just about being present; it's about making sure the people you love know they are loved.

While I can't change the past, I still have time to change the future and make sure i wont regret anything else, im now still working on feeling more okay about letting my people know i love them and even tho it still feels a lil awkward i know that i wont be with them forever.