your turn

By: Andres Perez

Go outside and touch some grass. No, really. 

Whether you actually go outside or not, just take a moment to exit your current head space. Even if you can’t relate to this story, or understand it, leave whatever you’re doing and take a deep breath. You’ll feel much better.

Now, prepare yourself, because this gets a bit deep.

“Why do I have to exist where I’m not wanted?”

That’s what I felt like for the longest time. Maybe due to trauma, or something different. That’s not what I’m trying to say, though. 

If you’re like me, you feel alone. You feel like you have no one to confide your deepest feelings to, or even to bounce your thoughts off of. Your list of motivations to keep breathing could fit on your palm. 

There could be a lot of reasons you feel this way, but here you are, drifting aimlessly. 

Just waiting on either a miracle to happen, or for the courage to finally come to you.

When you feel like you don’t belong in the world, this dark desire festers in your heart; A desire to disappear, or cease to participate in it. Throughout my middle and high school years, I carried it with me wherever I went. It prevented me from living and enjoying what were supposed to be some of the most fun years of my life. 

Not anymore, though.

While your problems won’t suddenly go away at any singular revelation or realization, managing to shift your outlook is the vital push you need.

For me, I identified things that I wanted and went all in on them, as ridiculous as they are: My desire to dress fashionably, and a small passion for writing.

These are the two things that helped me to start seeing the world differently and start being a part of it, even if just in little ways.

I guess my point is, you don’t have to exist for anyone else, and you don’t need anyone else’s approval to start. Life can be exactly what you choose to make of it, once you allow yourself to do so. Find just one thing to hang onto every day, one reason to see more of this world, and ride it all the way to your awaiting freedom.

If you’re still asking “Why do I have to exist..?”, this is what you need to know.

You and I are like stars, out there in the vastness of space. 

We are free, we are powerful, and we shine bright, indifferent to the dark void surrounding us. I’m a star, even though I make mistakes, even though I don’t have it all down just yet. 

I’m glad to be awkward, to feel uncomfortable, to laugh, to cry.

I’m grateful to be alive, and I promise myself that I will never give up. Your turn.

To anyone feeling the same way, I have just a few words of advice.